Random Howl Episode 1: Introduction, sort of

Wow...archiving on this can happen too.  Neat. Anywho, enjoy. 

In Infinity

Chaos spiral out of mind

Stumbling blindly through time

From the ashes the spirits rise

Becoming all that we dispise

Creation of order the end of things 

Regardless of the sorrow it brings

Normalcy importance the status quo

Howling to heaven where do we go

How do we proceed to succeed 

While our children remain in need

Institutions becoming the teacher 

Social media becoming a preacher

Religion of the hive mind leave behind 

Only be kind if it services the self

Too neck deep to care about someone else 

I could just be optimistic not a bit realistic 

But I think love will make us less sick

Love ourselves and love thy neighbors

Not just to win heavenly favors

It makes reality shine a little brighter 

Our burden shared is a little lighter 

We're all just dust cast off from the stars 

With the power to make the universe ours

Wounded Divination

We still be out here buying weed by the gram but it's cheaper

We hate the moment but we're lucky to be here

Beyond pain there is joy beyond hate there is love

Even if you don't believe in heaven above

So below we exist we persist we insist

We beg to be heard our voice is loud

Alone we're nothing but gather a crowd

Build our own cloud our hopes and our dreams

Shun the belief that all is as it seems

Live in and around this moment a miracle in time

Leave all of the doubts behind

Magic in life wonder in all things

Now I know why the caged bird sings

    Today I ended up talking about that time I saw God. Of course, you tell that to people in the course of a normal conversation and you'll end up with a few funny looks. It isn't something I usually discuss with people because I don't think anyone will believe me and I don't want to deal with being further labeled as crazy. Crazy is an ugly word and I wish people would stop using it but that's a different rant for a different day. I also dislike being labeled by others. I end up using labels on myself as an identifier but I realize a lot of that comes from just trying to integrate myself into "normal" society.

    Lately, it seems a lot harder figuring out what "normal" is. It's also impossible to please everyone no matter how well intentioned you are. I think that was always an impossibility but it seems like the older I get, the less I care about good works for the sake of looking good. I do things because in my heart they are the right thing to do. I am fallible and I do screw it up. No mortal's morality is 100% correct. There are things that humans can come to a consensus on, but no one man is an authority on all things.

    The only thing I know for sure are the things I have seen and heard from my connection to the creative energy of the universe. This isn't a super power or something reserved for the chosen (based on whatever definition humans want to come up with) but something that every human with conscious thought can tap into. There are a million different ways to do this. What works for some may not work for others. The first time I fell face first into awareness I wasn't looking for it. I was indulging in my very human desire to block out the pain of existing. I was also looking for a good time, doing something new while kicking around on the same ground. I wasn't expecting to be hit over the head with knowledge but that's what happened.

    I felt the warmth of the whole of creation wash over me. I felt perfect and absolute love. I felt the cradle of perfection and the absolute agony of entropy all at once. I was everywhere and nowhere. I was in the womb of the universe. It was frightening in it's complete surprise but at the same time it was comfortably familiar, as if I had experienced it before but in a different reality.

    I feel like there were things I saw in that space that I wasn't able to take back with me. What I could remember, though, is that love is the universal truth but without suffering, love has absolutely no meaning. This hurts me to my core. The fact that random bad shit just happens because it absolutely has to maintain balance is something I wish I could change. The joy of the situation is that I can be one of the reasons that the crappy things seem worth it. I can balance the pendulum towards the positive. This doesn't mean living for the approval or adulation of other people, though. I have to be a force of good in the world because it is simply the way of things. Of course the only guidance I have is my limited perception and the checking I do with other humans I trust. It isn't a perfect system but it works.

    It has been said that existence is pain. Existence for the sake of just existing is incredibly taxing. Living for a singular purpose though really is a drag. Consciousness itself is far too complicated to be parsed into some sort of sub-paragraph. But with understanding comes an incredible weight on my spirit that sometimes I just want to be rid of. There are days where I ache for the eternal sleep of ignorance. Not that I really wish to end my existence, I just wish it wasn't so...tangled.

Merits and Flaws

Lately, there's been a lot of things running around inside my head. Admittedly, I've been trying incredibly hard to distract myself. Even my distractions end up making my brain ask questions of itself. 

There are so many things about my brain that cause me grief. I'm easily distracted. I end up dissociating at random times. I'm chronically depressed for sometimes no discernable reason. I cuss like a sailor and I can't control it very much. I am deeply emotional and am affected by everything, good and bad, in a profound way that shakes me to the core. Because of this, I don't express my emotions as I fear they will upset people and/or be seen as an overreaction. I'm stubborn for some of the dumbest reasons. I'm obtuse, sometimes intentionally but for the most part, it's just instinct. I'm impulsive by nature and have done some real boneheaded things because of it. I use humor as a deflection mechanism and it sometimes really pisses people off. Often, I feel like an alien observer of a species that don't understand.

But, I wouldn't change my brain for anything. All of the things "wrong" with me directly corrispond with things that are good. I'm funny and that resonates with people. I'm warm and genuine. I'm loyal in all my relationships and can maintain friendships over time and distance. I have a spiritual connection with all things and a childlike fascination with with existence itself. Feeling things at a soul level is painful but at the same time I feel honored by the universe because I'm capable of feeling that deeply. I can't expect to only feel good things but knowing such goodness exists makes the suffering bearable. 

I'm not saying all things are predestined. Sometimes shit sucks for absolutely no reason other than entropy and the randomness of the cosmic dice roll. I believe though, that profound and true good can't exist without the opposite being true.

I have an incredibly hard time accepting the goodness within myself. Even though I'm supported a lot by my friends and family and the universe shouts evidence from the rooftops, I still am trapped by the feeling that I am craptacular. I've done stupid stupid stupid shit. I've been that bitch in situations where I could have been better. I'm a flawed human. I suppose what tells me I'm on the right path at least somewhat is the fact that I'm always trying to be better than myself. That I absolutely don't want to harm anyone intentionally or unintentionally. 

I'm constantly evolving and changing. Adaptability is one of my strengths. At the same time, I have to accept that I am good at my core and that I didn't just magically emerge one day as an OK person. There's a reason why I've maintained friendships since high school. It is hard as fuck accepting this and I'm not sure why. 

Even saying that I have a problem accepting the good in me makes me feel bad. Like my struggles are somehow meaningless because I don't suffer all the time. That part of my depression is dealing with how to feel good about myself and that makes me some kind of asshole. That accepting the annoying and bullshit parts of my personality and realizing the good parts are inexplicably linked is somehow trashing on everyone who struggles with mental health. That not actively seeking to "cure" myself is somehow wrong.

So many things have told me that my existence is meaningless and that my perception of reality is flawed. Sometimes I don't know what to believe. At the same time, I've seen the divine nature of the whole of existence. I've touched the very soul of the creator. I'm just one observer with a meat brain and limited sensory perception so who knows how right I really am? It isn't about being right, though. 

I'm blessed to exist but at the same time I'm drowning in reality. I don't think anyone knows what that exactly means. 

Mental Health Day 2020

 

I've been seeing posts about today being world mental health day. This is an important topic, especially in the middle of everything going on worldwide. People are experiencing, sometimes for the first time, mental health problems. Mental health isn't something that should be hidden behind closed doors. It isn't something that people should be speaking of in hushed tones. It isn't something to be mocked or a subject of pity. It is something that affects your friends, your family, your fellow human beings. The stigma has to end.


It is also infant/child loss awareness month. This is most assuredly tied into mental health. Not everyone processes grief the same way and people need to quit shaming others for how they deal with losing a child. There is absolutely no loss in the world that feels the way losing a child does. If you don't understand, feel fortunate that you don't. Don't mock, reticule, blame or otherwise harsh on anyone's trauma response.
It is really hard to see the humanity in humans right now. It is a time in history where so many things just seem evil, uncaring, devoid of compassion and empathy. I implore you to not let the weight of the world crush the beautiful soul within. It's fucking hard. I struggle with this myself. We need all the light we can muster in these times.
I love you. You are not alone. You matter and you are a valid, precious, sacred human life. <3
Shine bright!

Untitled Goose Tattoo

Today, I got this cute tattoo. 

It means a million things to me and is arguably the most symbolic tattoo I have. First of all, it's all about timing. The 6th is mom's birthday and is the day Nina passed away. I wanted to get something to honor that day without getting something completely cleche because cleche just isn't me. I love birds and have been thinking about getting something bird related other than my wings but hadn't come up with anything that fit. Then I thought of the goose from Untitled Goose Game. He's cute, cartoony and whimsical in a smart assed way. I also remember my mom calling me "goose" when I was younger. I likely would have called Nina "goose" too. This little dude symbolizes where I came from, where I've been and the future joy I'll have because of the things I've learned. The persistent soul inside of me that has to keep going and not throw away my precious human life because of tragedy. The courage to tell my story not only for my own sense of peace, but also to share hope with other humans.

Also, he's just fucking cute. 

Requiem Mix Lyrics

All the lyrics to the Requiem Mix

Track list:  https://serato.com/playlists/Kristina_Fyrewolf/the-requiem-mixtape

Audio: https://www.mixcloud.com/phoenixfyrewolf/the-requiem-mixtape/




When the sun goes down on my side of town

That lonesome feeling comes to my door

And the whole world turns blue

And there's a rundown bar across the railroad tracks

I got a table for two, way in the back

Where I sit alone and I think of losing you

I spend most every night

Beneath the light of a neon moon

If you lose your one and only

There's always room here for the lonely

To watch your broken dreams dance in and out of the beams

Of a neon moon

I think of two young lovers running wild and free

I close my eyes and sometimes see

You in the shadows of that smoke-filled room

No telling how many tears I've sat here and cried

Or how many lies that I've lied

Telling my poor heart

He'll come back someday

Oh, but I'll be alright as long as there's light from a neon moon

Oh, if you lose your one and only

There's always room here for the lonely

To watch your broken dreams dance in and out of the beams

Of a neon moon

The jukebox plays on drink by drink

And the words to every sad song seem to say what I think

And this pain inside of me

It ain't never gonna end

Oh, but I'll be alright

As long as there's light

From a neon moon

Oh, if you lose your one and only

There's always room here for the lonely

To watch your broken dreams

Dance in and out of the beams of a neon moon

Oh, if you lose your one and only

There's always room here for the lonely

To watch your broken dreams

Dance in and out of the beams of a neon moon

Oh, if you lose your one and only

There's always room here for the lonely

To watch your broken dreams

Dance in and out of the beams of a neon moon




Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin

I've been waiting for you

Signed with a home tattoo

Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart at the seams

Can I believe you're taking my heart to pieces?

Ah, it'll take a little time

Might take a little crime to come undone

Now we'll try to stay blind to the hope and fear outside

Hey child, stay wilder than the wind and blow me in to cry

Who do you need?

Who do you love?

When you come undone

Who do you need?

Who do you love?

When you come undone

Words, playing me deja vu

Like a radio tune, I swear I've heard before

Chill, is it something real?

Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

Can't ever keep from falling apart at the seams

Can I believe you're taking my heart to pieces?




Please Miss Fried

He don't mean to be mean

He just needs to leave

He hopes he does not

Cause you inconvenience

Why can't you see?

He says "please don't be sad for me"

Oh Miss Fried

Please believe you're his queen

He must fight for his dreams

Lovely Miss Fried

He will too miss you

He just needs to be free

He says "If I should ever cause you to

Bleed don't pretend to be naive"

Don't be naive

Don't take him wrong, let him be

Sometimes he feels like he ought to be alone-lone

Don't take him wrong, let him be

Sometimes he feels like he ought to be alone-lone

He says, "Please don't be sad for me"

"Please don't be sad for me"




Someone told me long ago

There's a calm before the storm

I know, it's been comin' for some time

When it's over, so they say

It'll rain a sunny day

I know, shinin' down like water




I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

Comin' down on a sunny day




Yesterday, and days before

Sun is cold and rain is hard

I know, been that way for all my time

'Til forever, on it goes

Through the circle, fast and slow

I know, it can't stop, I wonder




I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

Comin' down on a sunny day




Yeah!




I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?

Comin' down on a sunny day

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I'll wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails, she makes me wait

And I wait without you

With or without you

With or without you

Through the storm, we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you

With or without you, ah, ah

I can't live

With or without you

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give

And you give

And you give yourself away

My hands are tied

My body bruised, she got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give

And you give

And you give yourself away

With or without you

With or without you, oh

I can't live

With or without you

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

With or without you

With or without you, oh

I can't live

With or without you

With or without you




So you sailed away

Into a gray sky morning.

Now I'm here to stay,

Love can be so boring.

Nothing quite the same now,

I just say your name now.

But its not so bad,

You're only the best

I ever had.

You don't want me back.

You're just the best

I ever had.

So you stole my world,

Now I'm just a phony.

Remembering the girl

Leaves me down and lonely.

Sending in the weather

Make yourself feel better.

But it's not so bad,

You're only the best

I ever had.

You don't need me back.

You're just the best

I ever had.

And it may take some time

To patch me up inside.

But I can't take it

So I run away and hide.

And I may find in time

That you were always right.

You're always right.

So you sailed away,

Into a gray sky morning.

Now I'm here to stay,

Love can be so boring.

What was it you wanted?

Could it be you're haunted?

But its not so bad,

You're only the best

I ever had.

I don't want you back.

You're just the best

I ever had.

The best I ever had.

Best I ever had.




She sits alone by a lamp post

Tryin' to find the thought that's escaped her mind

She says, "Dad's the one I love the most

But Stipe's not far behind"

She never lets me in, only tells me where she's been

When she's had too much to drink

I say that I don't care, I just run my hands through her dark hair

Then I pray to God you gotta help me fly away

And just let her cry if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be, let her be

This morning I woke up alone, found a note standing by the phone

Sayin', "Maybe, maybe I'll be back someday"

I wanted to look for you

You walked in, I didn't know just what I should do

So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself

Sayin' let her cry if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be, let her be

No, no, no, no

Let her cry let her cry if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be, ah

Last night I tried to leave, cried so much I could not believe

She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago

She went in the back to get high

I sat down on my couch and cried, yellin'

"Oh, mama, please help me"

Won't you hold my hand and

Let her cry if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be

Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing, if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be

Ah, let her be




Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue

Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio

Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?

Crazy, some'd say

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence

Once prompted you to say

"Pride will tear us both apart"

Well, now pride's gone out the window

Cross the rooftops

Run away

Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?

Crazy, some'd say

Where is my friend when I need you most?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside

Tell of suffering and greed

Fear today, forgot tomorrow

Ooh, here besides the news

Of holy war and holy need

Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

Every world

Is my world

(I will learn to survive)

Any world

Is my world

(I will learn to survive)

Any world

Is my world




All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be, me

I'm talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they've all been talking about me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I'm just a little unwell




And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's meant to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am




Like anyone would be

I am flattered by your fascination with me

Like any hot blooded woman

I have simply wanted an object to crave

But you, you're not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting

To watch the stoic squirm

Must be somewhat heartening

To watch Shepard meet Shepard

But you, you're not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory

I must seem greatly intriguing

You speak of my love like

You have experienced love like mine before

But this is not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy

I need a moment to deliberate

New blood joins this earth

And quickly he's subdued

Through constant pain disgrace

The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in

This whipping boy done wrong

Deprived of all his thoughts

The young man struggles on and on he's known

A vow unto his own

That never from this day

His will they'll take away

What I've felt

What I've known

Never shined through in what I've shown

Never be

Never see

Won't see what might have been

What I've felt

What I've known

Never shined through in what I've shown

Never free

Never me

So I dub thee unforgiven

They dedicate their lives

To running all of his

He tries to please them all

This bitter man he is

Throughout his life the same

He's battled constantly

This fight he cannot win

A tired man they see no longer cares

The old man then prepares

To die regretfully

That old man here is me

What I've felt

What I've known

Never shined through in what I've shown

Never be

Never see

Won't see what might have been

What I've felt

What I've known

Never shined through in what I've shown

Never free

Never me

So I dub thee unforgiven

What I've felt

What I've known

Never shined through in what I've shown

Never be

Never see

Won't see what might have been

What I've felt

What I've known

Never shined through in what I've shown

Never free

Never me

So I dub thee unforgiven

Never free

Never me

So I dub thee unforgiven

You labeled me

I labeled you

So I dub thee unforgiven

Never free

Never me

So I dub thee unforgiven

You labeled me

I labeled you

So I dub thee unforgiven

Never free

Never me

So I dub thee unforgiven




The tears of a crowd of very old children

I string them on a white hair

I throw the wet chain into the air

And wish that I had a mother

No sun shines for me

There was no breast that cried milk

There is a tube that sticks in my throat

I have no navel on my stomach




Mother, mother

Mother, mother




I was not allowed to lick any nipples

And there was no fold to hide in

No one gave me a name

Fathered in haste and without sperm

For the mother who never gave birth to me

I have sworn tonight

I will send her a sickness

And afterwards make her sink in the river




Mother, mother

Mother, mother

Mother, mother

Mother, mother




An eel lives in her lungs

On my forehead, a birthmark

Remove it with the kiss of a knife

Even if it causes me to die




Mother, mother

Mother, mother







An eel lives in her lungs

On my forehead, a birthmark

Remove it with the kiss of a knife

Even if it causes me to bleed to death




Oh give me strength

Mother, mother

Oh give me strength

Mother, mother

Oh give me strength

Mother, mother

Oh give me strength




Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life




Once upon a time

Once when you were mine

I remember skies

Reflected in your eyes

I wonder where you are

I wonder if you think about me

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

Once the world was new

Our bodies felt the morning dew

That greets the brand new day

We couldn't tear ourselves away

I wonder if you care

I wonder if you still remember

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays

And when the words are touched with sorrow

When the music plays

I hear the sound I had to follow

Once upon a time

Once beneath the stars

The universe was ours

Love was all we knew

And all I knew was you

I wonder if you know

I wonder if you think about it

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

And when the music plays

And when the words are touched with sorrow

When the music plays

And when the music plays

I hear the sound I had to follow

Once upon a time

Once upon a time

Once when you were mine

I remember skies

Mirrored in your eyes

I wonder where you are

I wonder if you think about me

Once upon a time

There are those who think that life

Has nothing left to chance

A host of holy horrors

To direct our aimless dance

A planet of playthings

We dance on the strings

Of powers we cannot perceive

The stars aren't aligned

Or the gods are malign

Blame is better to give than receive

You can choose a ready guide

In some celestial voice

If you choose not to decide

You still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears

And kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that's clear

I will choose free will

There are those who think that

They've been dealt a losing hand

The cards were stacked against them

They weren't born in Lotus-Land

All preordained

A prisoner in chains

A victim of venomous fate

Kicked in the face

You can't pray for a place

In heaven's unearthly estate

You can choose a ready guide

In some celestial voice

If you choose not to decide

You still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears

And kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that's clear

I will choose free will

Each of us

A cell of awareness

Imperfect and incomplete

Genetic blends

With uncertain ends

On a fortune hunt

That's far too fleet

You can choose a ready guide

In some celestial voice

If you choose not to decide

You still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears

And kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that's clear

I will choose free will




It starts with one thing

I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal

Didn't look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but you didn't even know

Wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me

Will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To remind myself of a time when

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter




Psychic spies from China try to steal your mind's elation

And little girls from Sweden dream of silver screen quotation

And if you want these kind of dreams it's Californication

It's the edge of the world and all of Western civilization

The sun may rise in the East at least it's settled in a final location

It's understood that Hollywood sells Californication

Pay your surgeon very well to break the spell of aging

Celebrity skin, is this your chin, or is that war you're waging?

First born unicorn

Hardcore soft porn

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Marry me, girl, be my fairy to the world, be my very own constellation

A teenage bride with a baby inside getting high on information

And buy me a star on the boulevard, it's Californication

Space may be the final frontier but it's made in a Hollywood basement

And Cobain can you hear the spheres singing songs off Station To Station?

And Alderaan's not far away, it's Californication

Born and raised by those who praise control of population

Well, everybody's been there and I don't mean on vacation

First born unicorn

Hardcore soft porn

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Destruction leads to a very rough road but it also breeds creation

And earthquakes are to a girl's guitar, they're just another good vibration

And tidal waves couldn't save the world from Californication

Pay your surgeon very well to break the spell of aging

Sicker than the rest, there is no test, but this is what you're craving?

First born unicorn

Hardcore soft porn

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication

Dream of Californication




When you grab a hold of me

Tell me that I'll never be set free

But I'm a parasite,

Creep and crawl I step into the night.

Two pints of booze

Tell me are you a badfish too?

Are you a badfish too?

Ain't got no money to spend

I hope the night will never end

Lord knows I'm weak

Won't somebody get me off of this reef

Baby you're a big blue whale

Grab the reef when all duck diving fails

I swim, but wish I'd never learned

The water's too polluted with the germs

I dive deep when it's ten feet overhead

Grab the reef underneath my bed (it's underneath my bed)

Ain't got no quarrels with God

Ain't got no time to grow old

Lord knows I'm weak

Won't somebody get me off of this reef

Ain't got no quarrels with God

Ain't got no time to get old

Lord knows I'm weak

Won't somebody get me off of this reef




Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear

And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear

Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before

And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal

But lately I am beginning to find

That I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there, I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance

To be one of the hive

Will I choose water over wine

And hold my own and drive?

It's driven me before

And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around

But lately I am beginning to find

That when I drive myself my light is found

So whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there, I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine

Hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there, I'll be there




Brainstorm, take me away from the norm'

I've got to tell you something

This phenomenon, I had to put it in a song

And it goes like

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy

Whoa, shades of gold display naturally

You want to know what brings me here

You glide through my head, blind to fear

And I know I

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy

Whoa, shades of gold display naturally

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy

Whoa, shades of gold display naturally

You live too far away

Your voice rings like a bell anyway

Don't give up your independence

Unless it feels alright

Nothing good comes easily

Sometimes you've got to fight

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy

Whoa, shades of gold display naturally

Lost a thousand ships in my heart so easy

Still it's fine from afar

And you know that

Whoa

Brainstorm

Take me away from the norm'

Whoa

I've got to tell you something




I would swallow my pride

I would choke on the rinds, but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside

Swallow my doubt, turn it inside out

Find nothing but faith in nothing

Want to put my tender

Heart in a blender

Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion

Rendezvous, and I'm through with you

I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet

Chalk white and oh-so-frail

I see our time has gotten stale

The tick-tock of the clock is painful, all sane and logical

I want to tear it off the wall

I hear words and clips and phrases

I think sick like ginger ale

My stomach turns and I exhale

I would swallow my pride

I would choke on the rinds, but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside

I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out

Find nothing but faith in nothing

Want to put my tender

Heart in a blender

Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion

Rendezvous, then I'm through with you

So Cal is where my mind states

But it's not my state of mind

I'm not as ugly sad as you

Or am I origami, folded up and just pretend

Demented as the motives in your head

I would swallow my pride

I would choke on the rinds, but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside

I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out

Find nothing but faith in nothing

Want to put my tender

Heart in a blender

Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion

Rendezvous, then I'm through with you

I alone am the one you don't know you need

Take heed, feed your ego

Make me blind when your eyes close

Sink when you get close, tie me to the bedpost

I alone am the one you don't know you need

You don't know you need me

Make me blind when your eyes close

Tie me to the bedpost

I would swallow my pride

I would choke on the rinds, the lack thereof would leave me empty inside

Swallow my doubt, turn it inside out

Find nothing but faith in nothing

Want to put my tender

Heart in a blender

Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion

Rendezvous, then I'm through

Now I'm through with you

Through with you

Rendezvous, then I'm through with you







On a dark desert highway

Cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas

Rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance

I saw a shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night

There she stood in the doorway

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself

"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"

Then she lit up a candle

And she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor

I thought I heard them say




"Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (Any time of year)

You can find it here"







Her mind is Tiffany-twisted

She got the Mercedes Benz

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys

She calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard

Sweet summer sweat

Some dance to remember

Some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain

"Please bring me my wine"

He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969"

And still those voices are calling from far away

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say




"Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

They living it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)

Bring your alibis"




Mirrors on the ceiling

The pink champagne on ice

And she said: "We are all just prisoners here

Of our own device"

And in the master's chambers

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

"Relax," said the night man

"We are programmed to receive

You can check out any time you like

But you can never leave!"




She's taking her time making up the reasons

To justify all the hurt inside, guess she knows

From the smiles and the look in their eyes

Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one, they're saying

Mama never loved her much and

Daddy never keeps in touch

That's why she shies away from human affection, but

Somewhere in a private place

She packs her bags for outer space

And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come

And she'll say to him (she's saying)

I would fly you to the moon and back

If you'll be, if you'll be my baby

I've got a ticket for a world where we belong

So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed

If love was red then she was color-blind

All her friends, they've been tried for treason

And crimes that were never defined

She's saying, love is like a barren place

And reaching out for human faith is

Is like a journey I just don't have a map for

So baby gonna take a dive and push the shift to overdrive

Send a signal that she's hanging all her hopes on the stars

What a pleasant dream (just saying)

I would fly you to the moon and back

If you'll be, if you'll be my baby

I've got a ticket for a world where we belong

So would you be my baby?

Mama never loved her much and daddy never keeps in touch

That's why she shies away from human affection

But somewhere in a private place

She packs her bags for outer space

And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come

And she'll say to him (just saying)

I would fly you to the moon and back

If you'll be, if you'll be my baby

I've got a ticket for a world where we belong

So would you be my baby?

I would fly you to the moon and back

If you'll be, if you'll be my baby

I've got a ticket for a world where we belong

So would you be my baby?




Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try

No hell below us, above us, only skies

Imagine all the people living for today, yah hey yeah

Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for, no

And no religion, too, oh

Imagine all the people living life in peace, yoo ooo

You, you may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will be as one, will be as one

Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man, oh

Imagine all the people sharing all the world

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will live as one

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will live as one




I had a way then

Losing it all on my own

I had a heart then

But the queen has been overthrown

And I'm not sleeping now

The dark is too hard to beat

And I'm not keeping up

The strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

You shine them when I'm alone

And so I tell myself that I'll be strong

And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home

Calling, calling, calling home

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

You shine them when I'm alone

Noises, I play within my head

Touch my own skin

And hope they'll still be there

And I think back to when

My brother and my sister slept

In another place

The only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

You shine them when I'm alone

And so I…

Now here you go again

You say you want your freedom

Well, who am I to keep you down

It's only right that you should

Play the way you feel it

But listen carefully

To the sound of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost

And what you had

And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'

Players only love you when they're playin'

Say women, they will come and they will go

When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

You'll know

Now here I go again

I see the crystal visions

I keep my visions to myself

It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams

And have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Dreams of loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost

And what you had

Ooh, what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'

Players only love you when they're playin'

Women, they will come and they will go

When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

Oh, thunder only happens when it's rainin'

Players only love you when they're playin'

Say women, they will come and they will go

When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

You'll know

You will know

Oh, you'll know

One Love, one heart.

Let's get together and feel all right.

Hear the children crying. (One love.)

Hear the children crying. (One heart.) Sayin',

"Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."

Sayin', "Let's get together and feel all right."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks. (One love.)

There is one question I'd really love to ask. (One heart.)

Is there a place for the hopeless sinner

Who has hurt all man-kind just to save his own?

Believe me. One love, one heart.

Let's get together and feel all right.

As it was in the beginning, (One love.)

So shall it be in the end. (One heart.) Alright,

"Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."

Sayin', "Let's get together and feel all right."

One more…




I'm waking up to ash and dust,

I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust,

I'm breathing in, the chemicals.

I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus.

This is it, the apocalypse, woah.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones

(Enough) to make my systems blow

Welcome to the new age, to the new age.

Welcome to the new age, to the new age.

Woah, woah, I'm radioactive, radioactive.

Woah, woah, I'm radioactive, radioactive.

I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus.

This is it, the apocalypse, woah.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones

(Enough) to make my systems blow

Welcome to the new age, to the new age.

Welcome to the new age, to the new age.

Woah, woah, I'm radioactive, radioactive.

Woah, woah, I'm radioactive, radioactive.

All systems go, sun hasn't died.

Deep in my bones, straight from inside.

I'm waking up, I'm waking up, I'm waking up

I feel it in my bones

(Enough) to make my systems blow

Welcome to the new age, to the new age.

Welcome to the new age, to the new age.

Woah, woah, I'm radioactive, radioactive.

Woah, woah, I'm radioactive, radioactive.




I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm

Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm gettin' older, too

Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm gettin' older, too

I'm gettin' older, too

Ah, take my love, take it down

Oh, climb a mountain and turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, the landslide will bring it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, the landslide will bring it down

Oh, the landslide will bring it down




Now and then I think of when we were together

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

But I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody (I used to know)

(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody (I used to know)

(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody




Well, it's a marvelous night for a moondance

With the stars up above in your eyes

A fantabulous night to make romance

'Neath the cover of October skies

And all the leaves on the trees are falling

To the sound of the breezes that blow

And I'm trying to please to the calling

Of your heart-strings that play soft and low

And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush

And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love

Can I just make some more romance with you, my love

Well, I want to make love to you tonight

I can't wait 'til the morning has come

And I know now the time is just right

And straight into my arms you will run

And when you come my heart will be waiting

To make sure that you're never…