Connectivity

Today I noticed that I feel very connected to some things. I seem to be feeling more enjoyment and love for music, nature and the general spiritual tapestry of the universe. There is beauty in my existence and I am in awe of it and comforted by it. Conversely, I feel the pain, sadness and anger of people. It cuts deep and sometimes I can't separate my emotions from the emotions of others.

I am grounded in myself. I feel like I can compartmentalize the chaos and stay true to my inner being. The fight between joy and sadness is still painful, however. The fight between silence and speaking my truth is a struggle I feel like I can't escape. I am me, but sometimes don't think I deserve to exist in joy of this while people suffer. 

Therapy has helped me to realize that I do matter, not just to others but also to myself. I have to accept the validity of my own existence. Yes, hearing from others that I am valued, valid and worthy is amazing and I am humbled every time I hear someone say that I am. But, ultimately, I cannot exist entirely for others. The pit of dispair that is my feelings of internal worthlessness is always ready to bubble up to the surface. 

I have to work on lifting myself up. I use self depreciation as humor and while people do laugh, I sense that people wish I wouldn't be so hard on myself. I need to make a conscious effort to change my external dialog in order to change my internal dialog. Today is a good time to start.