I'm noticing that I am one of those people who has to be asked the right questions in order to fully open up. This isn't because I am trying to be deceptive or hide anything. In reality, there's so much information pulsing in my brain that I end up forgetting things. I spent a great deal of time simply letting things out without direction. This honestly was the type of therapy that I needed at the time. It took a long while to work through the immediate burden on my mind and my heart. At this point, though I feel like I'd end up walking around in a circle if I were to keep floundering around without a sense of therapeutic purpose. Of course, I still feel a bit uneasy being led anywhere, especially exploring my own mind. Psychological manipulation is a sore spot with me partly because of past trauma and partly because I feel an overwhelming mastery of my own mind and I feel uncomfortable being out of control. I still do value the purpose of being led somewhere and in a way it is relaxing. Yet another paradox I endure.
Today's session got me really thinking about my perception of reality. About my relationships and what I would like them to look like in the future. It comes down to what I find valuable. Admittedly, my deep sense of right and wrong is mostly instinctual. It has become so because the noise of simply existing precludes me from thinking about it in depth. What is my moral center composed of? Where does it come from?
I suppose my deepest value is integrity. I am driven to do what is right, even though it may not be acknowledged by anyone but myself. Sometimes, the right thing ends up being unpopular. This doesn't deter me. I suppose this goes along with honesty. I wish I could say I 100% honest. My fault usually is in not disclosing everything. I'm sure this developed as a defense mechanism. I also take things that are told to me in confidence very seriously. I never want to lie, but I never tell all.
Next is my value for all life. I talk a big game about violence but I wouldn't hurt anyone unless defending myself and even then I feel badly about losing control. I abhor violence and honestly feel uncomfortable around even violent entertainment. I repress this to fit in. I do enjoy a bit of competitive violence but not if someone is actually hurt.
I suppose my integrity, honesty and desire to hurt no one is rooted in my spiritual beliefs. My mother told me a story about my birth that has stuck with me. I was on death's door. My parents called around to various churches to find a priest to deliver last rights. The only priest who would come was a Lutheran. I swear I can remember a gentile man's voice and feeling peace in the words I couldn't understand. As I grew, my grandmother taught me about Christ. Even though the trappings and crimes of most organized religion are a real problem for me and the knowledge that mortal men have corrupted the message, I still find incredible value in the Christ story. The problem with this is that I have a tendency to martyr myself for people that don't appreciate it at best and at worst take advantage of me. I lose myself in making sure other people are happy.
One thing I value that serves me more than other people is my ability to be creative. This manifests in artistic output of course, something people see and appreciate. It also manifests itself in an ability to adapt and problem solve. Creativity serves me well but sometimes I end up doing things the hard way.
Even though I grew up in an environment where physical possessions and money were valued and used as a measure of success, I find myself having little value in material things. I just don't care about money. I like sleeping indoors and showering regularly but money is just a means to an end. I can't convince myself that there is any point to accumulating wealth.
I'm sure I'll revisit this subject. For now...I have no more words.
