I have a confession: I am deeply, incredibly, profoundly lonely. Saying this even to myself seems asinine. I am surrounded by people who love me. I have more friends than I deserve and I live with two people who would give thier life for me (the feeling is mutual). There is no doubt in my mind that there are people who are in my corner that have my back. They have proven this with both word and action.
Even thinking about my childhood, I can't say that I had no friends. In elementary school I didn't really but in middle school I had some good friends, a few that I still speak to now. I still felt isolated. I felt like there was no one to share my inner core with because no one really can understand it. I don't really understand it myself so I can't exactly explain it to anyone else. On the other hand, I come off to most people an open book. I really am open about a lot, mostly because it seems like it helps people. It helps to vent too. I've always been this way. I am the bard, the teller of stories. Stuff that seems utterly surreal has been my reality. I don't mind talking about it. It's entertaining in a way.
I know though that I am more than a sum of my own experience. I also know that I was born outside looking in. I feel alien in my own skin and there's not a damn thing that can be done about it. I understand a great deal about a lot of things yet I still feel as if I know absolutely nothing.
People come to me for advice and most of the time I feel helpful. I'm also not afraid of admitting that I don't know something.
I feel a separation between myself and everyone else. I feel invisible in the black vastness of the universe. I am important but I am nothing. I feel so blessed but so selfish for acknowledging that I ache on a cellular level. I ache on a soul level. I'm tired. Of what, I can't really articulate. Some, I'm sure, can feel it in my voice and hear it through my words. No one really knows what to say about it though. Everyone is tired at this point.
I don't think this feeling is unique. A lot of entertainers say they often feel alone in a crowd. I don't feel unloved. I just feel lonely.
