Premonition

It was a rainy day in January

Standing on the roof of a familiar place

Emotions darkly absent

A blank page where my mind was supposed to be

I couldn't live this way any longer

Stubborn determination to live

Gave way to acceptance of death

Subjective circumstances and lack of reaction

I couldn't see past the fog

I was prepared

On that rain soaked precipice

To embrace a final solution

Fighting wasn't worth it

Swimming uphill through the swamp

Held no meaning

Spiritual core curiously disappeared 

This was where the final chapter ended

And then something pulled me back

An invisible hand manifested

In a simple push notification

"Appointment reminder: Brian, 2 PM"

I almost called to cancel

I almost threw my phone off the roof

Held in my hand

The gears in my head began to grind

And I realized I couldn't jump

Without at least an explanation

In the rain I walked to where I had to be

We didn't talk about it

I couldn't bring it up

But I think, deep in the subconscious

He knew 

Abuse

He woke up itching for a fight

My hubris gave him one

Even though it was unintentional

He called me a cunt

Again

He casually mentioned killing himself

Again

I silently put my armor on

As he raged in my direction

On my way out the door, he apologized

Again

How long has it been this way

I stepped into the cold

And I sighed and said

"I love you"

And I meant it but it hurts

I walked to the place

That I see in my pleasant dreams

Outside, the picture of calm

My chest hurts

And I feel this unfathomable pain inside

I'm sobbing, I'm screaming

But you couldn't really tell

I speak of this to no one

Because of some ingrained morality

I can't help, I can't make anything better

And maybe, that's what hurts the most

Neighbor

Shortly after my 9th birthday

we moved into a home in a subdivision

where every  house looked the same

I met the boy next door a couple of days after

He was younger, shy

but bristling with intelligence and humor

He might have been the first boy I fell in love with

Over summers, we spent most days together

talking about video games or role playing games or Depeche Mode 

they were his favorite band

Sometimes we fought with his older brother

or played tackle football in the yard

I never saw his mother much

she always seemed to be working

I heard something about a divorce but I didn't know

what that really meant 

His mom was often under the influence of alcohol

and she yelled at him constantly

Some days I'd knock on the door 

and she'd say he was grounded 

for some supposed slight

and so I'd knock on his bedroom window

which faced our yard

but was hidden by a fence

I'd sit on that fence and we'd talk for hours

Most of the time about nothing serious

Sometimes though, he'd trust me

with words about how he missed his dad

and how he loved his mother but

she was abusive while flush with drink

in 7th grade, a moving van showed up one day

and he was gone

Something about moving back to Carmel 

I never heard from him again

I tried to find him on the internet 

but I didn't have much luck

I'm not even sure I ever knew his real name

but I knew his story

and I knew I loved him

 

Closed Doors

 

Sometime in the first grade
I made friends with a girl who seemed a bit awkward
weird in an inexplicable way
but I didn't mind
I don't remember specific conversations
I do remember her intellect
her empathy
She didn't seem to mind me
Her birthday came around and I noticed
that she was sad
No one seemed to acknowledge the day
and I felt it was important
I spent my allowance on a gift
Thinking back, her acceptance of it held trepidation
a fear that I couldn't make sense of at the time
After school her mother came
and saw the gift
She yelled at the girl, grabbed her arm
Public violence was foreign to me
at least violence perpetuated by adults
I hid behind a building and observed
Deep sadness and anger burning in my gut
wishing I could do something
feeling that I was responsible
I think about it now and wonder with a sense of sadness
if that was happening
What was going on behind closed doors?

Dream Space

Absolute nothingness

Absence of not absence from

Floating in this comforting void

Feeling totally blank

Like the softest leather

Sinking slowly into the notion of the void

Peace absorbing into every pore

Even the womb held less power

God and Goddess exists in this space

Touching anti reality

Language

Staring at a screen, communication

Wants and needs and emotions

All tumbling forth, a flood

Sometimes it is too much

But you're there on the other side

I can feel the overwhelming energy

The love you have for me

Even though it probably isn't personal

It is, just a little bit

You and me, we've got this relationship

And it is something I don't understand

Everything has been complicated

Expectation lingering within every act

And there's this thing

When you say you love someone

People make it weird

Awkward

It changes the very nature of interaction

It really shouldn't, though

Love is pure emotion when not attached to things

Our spirits are connected in a way

And that usually doesn't happen without entanglement

But why does it have to be like that

Are we just afraid of love as a species

Afraid of deep attachment to transitory things

You can love someone forever

And not commit to forever

Experience the profound and beautiful capabilities

Of the human heart

Confession, I fucking love you

And I'm never going to not

You've awakened something in myself that I have never experienced

I was convinced that this is just the realm of romance

Of whispers in the dark

Truth is, I fake it

I have a romantic life because of memorization

And games I've been taught to play

This

This is something I feel with no context

Mingled in with respect and admiration and awe

For you as a fellow spirit

And that you've made me feel this way

In another life, we'd be friends

Family of a chosen type

But this is what the cosmos has decided

And I gotta say, I'm cool with that

Trending

Everyone is having children 

While denying the existence of others 

And they'll share pictures and hopes and dreams 

While convinced that if it isn't they 

It doesn't matter 

Children learn they aren't really wanted 

Accidental human souls

Learning at the breast of social media 

Suckling little nuance and complexity 

Learning much about nothing 

Rejoicing in triumphs from people far away 

Wishing for the simple act of human touch 

Realizing how much is missing 

Aching linger of what once was

Maybe the memory is the better part

Maybe none of it really existed 

Maybe it is all just digital homogeneous thought 

Touch the screen with longing and faith 

And the hope of loneliness less manifest 

Illusion of Inprisonment

There's a hand on my shoulder 

Pushing while gripping simultaneously 

I can feel his eyes on the back of my skull 

Glaring, judging 

His silence speaks volumes 

The smell of disinfectant mixes with fear 

It is bright with alarming shadow 

Steel mesh making patterns on the floor 

I can hear wailing in the distance 

Begging, pleading for help that will never be 

I'm shoved into what looks like a closet 

Steel covering a tiny window 

A door that could stop a bullet 

A cot on the wall

The only light, artificial 

The door slams shut and I start to cry

Standing in the middle of this unfamiliar place 

Eventually I lie down and attempt to sleep 

Has it been minutes? 

Has it been days? 

The door creaks open with an angry sigh 

Hands, powerful, callused, unfeeling 

Completely void of human energy 

I'm being drug again to somewhere 

It's a tile room, impossibly cold

With a drain on the floor 

I'm stripped naked

I hadn't noticed my clothes before 

But now their absence is frightening 

My skin reflects the artificial light 

Ice water assaults from every side 

Did I hear someone laugh? 

The cold burrows into my soul

This, this is how I die

It's over as quickly as it started 

Dripping in vulnerability, I am broken 

No one seems to notice 

I'm covered again in agonizing white 

It is itching from the inside 

I'm pushed into an office 

With an examination table 

And a bespectacled older man

His hair only just turning grey 

Impossibly kempt and perfect 

As if it wouldn't dare disobey 

He makes a non-committal noise 

As I'm being restrained 

Strapped by my arms and legs with leather and metal 

I'm crying again 

I'm hearing myself beg for mercy in a language I don't understand 

"We're just trying to help you"

There's a needle in my arm

I can feel something burning through my viens and into my chest 

Indescribable pain

My mind rapidly slipping away 

I'm fighting with every nuance of myself 

But the black is relentless 

The last thing I hear 

"we're just trying to help you" 

Faith

Roads traveled in unmeasured distance

Disturbance mingled with persistence 

This unyielding drive to survive 

I'm alive for a purpose unknown 

Through stumbling I've grown 

Admittedly the struggle sometimes isn't worth the pain

Insane while constrained 

Framed within the four walls of perception 

Blaring misconception ringing inside my head

I should realistically be dead

This existence I never asked for

But I embrace it like an obsession 

A confession of being addicted to the lesson 

I'm absorbing information by the nanosecond 

I don't comprehend it all but then I recall 

Things I vaguely perceive 

Believe in the absolute nothingness in every molecule 

But there's madness to this method

Purpose driven only as an explanation 

Real

It is bright but impossibly cold

I can feel the chill through my bones 

The colors of autumn exploding all around 

I'm sitting on a cold surface 

Looking down from a hill of grass

An emerald contrast against everything else

Internal whisper a knot in my gut

A fist gripping my heart

Cold as iron, I can feel every finger 

I close my eyes and try to focus 

Beauty mingling with my absolute dispair 

Suddenly, another human presence next to me 

I say "I'm glad you could be here" 

She let's my voice linger for a moment 

"There's comfort in the transitory" 

I agree, but with a tone that says

I'm not happy about it

"You know things always happen eventually" 

She replies with a hint of humor 

I catch myself smiling while a tear absentmindedly tumbles away 

She knows but neither of us notice 

We banter for a while 

The topic of conversation nebulous and free flowing 

There isn't really a point but that's OK 

The sun moves a little bit 

And I know that the moment is ending 

I mutter a random curse word

And then she takes me into her arms

Motherly comfort that I didn't realize I missed 

Free of expectations and awkwardness 

Pure love on a soul level 

Existing for the sake of it

I start to cry, softly at first 

But then I'm sobbing with uncontrollable emotion 

"I don't know if I'm ready for this" 

"You were always ready" 

And then, I wake up somewhere else