Gangster

Back when weed was a forbidden commodity 

I knew this guy

He was foreign by birth and by attitude 

A criminal from a place where that sort of thing 

Was commonplace 

He talked a huge game 

Kind of surprised it wasn't his mouth 

That ended up killing him 

Grass wasn't his only thing 

And it seems once you dip into one black market 

You dive head first into all of them

One day he'd be dripping in money 

The next he's be begging for food

The cycle surrounding him

Like a cloak of shattered dreams 

I heard from somewhere 

He had some sort of college education 

And it was obvious 

The way he spoke, the way he knew things 

Some of it was the creative genius 

Of survival in the streets 

Formal education paid by blood money 

From a place he never talked about 

He was compassionate 

He never did me wrong and in a way 

I knew he liked and respected me

More than some

There was this darker side

This underbelly of deciet and lies

This mechanism of defense 

He was proud to commit murder 

If only unintentionally 

And there's no doubt in my mind 

That he'd turn on even me

If the price was right 

How much of that was mental illness 

How much of that was drugs 

How much of that was situational 

We stopped talking 

When I didn't have to deal with criminals to get high

He tried on social media 

But something told me I shouldn't 

The next I heard of him 

His mugshot was all over the news 

And I was sad

Then came unfortunate news of his death

Details that were speculation 

Even though I knew all the evil

I knew the good too

No one deserves an end like that 

There was argument amongst people 

Some called him garbage 

Some called him a saint

I just knew the guy

And that he was a brilliant human 

Taken out predictably 

In an unpredictable life

Network

A friend has passed away

Not the first time

I've seen myself through murder

Suicide, natural causes

Friends, family, my own child

The burden never is lighter

At my grandfather's funeral

No one dared to cry

Stoic silence is what I was taught

Through all this, I maintain

But I don't think that's healthy

I'm not even sure it's working anymore

Death comes for everyone eventually

Knowing this

Doesn't make it easier in the slightest

Sometimes I think connection makes it harder

You know instantaneously

No time to process

One day they're posting memes

The next, a family member

Taking on the burden

Of telling everyone they know

Friends, enemies, lurkers

Suddenly there's a gap

A missing piece

And sometimes the message goes unnoticed

And they're just not posting anymore

Months, years removed

You finally stumble on the news

And you feel like a total asshole

For not extending sympathy sooner

Death in the digital age is different

Yet it remains the same 

Stardust

This is where I end up

When I can't make sense of things

The spirits of the river

Intertwined with the smell of urban decay

Everyone is lost in thier own experiences

Some better off than others

We all are from ashes

And to dust we will all return

Problematic

I was 12

When I first realized

I was attracted to women

Of course I didn't understand nuance

Or subtlety

All I knew was that the idea of woman

In all respects

Was beautiful and something to be cherished

I didn't express this openly

I looked at pictures of the female form

Hidden in my room behind the glass of the internet

In the dark where no one would know or see

I dated guys

As expected of me

Even though I was treated like one of the bros

Approximately half of the time

My first kiss was with a boy

Who transitioned into a woman

Looking at the situation now

It makes total sense

I never felt comfortable being sexual with men

I tried to tell myself it was a phase

I hadn't met the right man

Except I did

Twice

And while I love the men in my life

And would lay down my existence

If it meant saving them

I don't feel that thing

That indescribable tingle deep inside

Beyond conscious thought

The problem is, I lose myself

I do stupid things because my mind

Gets twisted and mixed up

And that's why it never works

It's probably internalized misogynistic thoughts

Picked up from being raised half a boy

And a smattering of bullshit

I have no control over

So I try to exist and respect

Every individual because it's the right thing to do

But I'm still hung up on that first fleeting thought

A brief revelation

At 12 years old

Forbbidden

I remember holding her hand

Keeping it a secret

Feeling like no one would understand

Exploring teenage sexuality

This tidal wave of maybe, finally

Figuring out part of my identity

I didn't understand love

I really didn't understand affection

Here she was, beautiful

Forbidden

Toxic

Mine

Even though she never was

We met at night through snuck out windows

Moonlit encounters only we knew about

Hormonal pleasure and carnal urges

Satisfaction in all the wrong ways

She pulled every single string

My emotions her puppet, dancing

I'm not entirely sure she was conscious of it

I was, however, an experiment

Rebellion against a doctrine

And when it no longer served

I no longer served

I wasn't innocent

I did hurtful things

Driven by things inside myself that were unfamiliar

We both got what we deserved

I did love her

And in some twisted way

I still do

Overcome

There is a powerful truth

To being used to sadness

Used to hurt, used to despair and grief

Loss of friends, loss of lovers

Loss of children and mothers

Of a sense of security in routine things

Lives comforted by the mundane

The simple kiss of sunshine on your face

In the dead of darkest winter

Accustomed to the noise of the wailing

That is the curse of humanity

So aware of misery

Of mistakes and things that shouldn't happen

But they do

And we hurt because we've seen joy

We hurt because we know pleasure

Because we seek patterns where none dare to exist

Aching to embrace monotony

Spontaneous action prophesied our demise

So we sit in silence while suffering

Aching to do we know not what

But it isn't this

It isn't this 

Premonition

It was a rainy day in January

Standing on the roof of a familiar place

Emotions darkly absent

A blank page where my mind was supposed to be

I couldn't live this way any longer

Stubborn determination to live

Gave way to acceptance of death

Subjective circumstances and lack of reaction

I couldn't see past the fog

I was prepared

On that rain soaked precipice

To embrace a final solution

Fighting wasn't worth it

Swimming uphill through the swamp

Held no meaning

Spiritual core curiously disappeared 

This was where the final chapter ended

And then something pulled me back

An invisible hand manifested

In a simple push notification

"Appointment reminder: Brian, 2 PM"

I almost called to cancel

I almost threw my phone off the roof

Held in my hand

The gears in my head began to grind

And I realized I couldn't jump

Without at least an explanation

In the rain I walked to where I had to be

We didn't talk about it

I couldn't bring it up

But I think, deep in the subconscious

He knew 

Abuse

He woke up itching for a fight

My hubris gave him one

Even though it was unintentional

He called me a cunt

Again

He casually mentioned killing himself

Again

I silently put my armor on

As he raged in my direction

On my way out the door, he apologized

Again

How long has it been this way

I stepped into the cold

And I sighed and said

"I love you"

And I meant it but it hurts

I walked to the place

That I see in my pleasant dreams

Outside, the picture of calm

My chest hurts

And I feel this unfathomable pain inside

I'm sobbing, I'm screaming

But you couldn't really tell

I speak of this to no one

Because of some ingrained morality

I can't help, I can't make anything better

And maybe, that's what hurts the most

Neighbor

Shortly after my 9th birthday

we moved into a home in a subdivision

where every  house looked the same

I met the boy next door a couple of days after

He was younger, shy

but bristling with intelligence and humor

He might have been the first boy I fell in love with

Over summers, we spent most days together

talking about video games or role playing games or Depeche Mode 

they were his favorite band

Sometimes we fought with his older brother

or played tackle football in the yard

I never saw his mother much

she always seemed to be working

I heard something about a divorce but I didn't know

what that really meant 

His mom was often under the influence of alcohol

and she yelled at him constantly

Some days I'd knock on the door 

and she'd say he was grounded 

for some supposed slight

and so I'd knock on his bedroom window

which faced our yard

but was hidden by a fence

I'd sit on that fence and we'd talk for hours

Most of the time about nothing serious

Sometimes though, he'd trust me

with words about how he missed his dad

and how he loved his mother but

she was abusive while flush with drink

in 7th grade, a moving van showed up one day

and he was gone

Something about moving back to Carmel 

I never heard from him again

I tried to find him on the internet 

but I didn't have much luck

I'm not even sure I ever knew his real name

but I knew his story

and I knew I loved him

 

Closed Doors

 

Sometime in the first grade
I made friends with a girl who seemed a bit awkward
weird in an inexplicable way
but I didn't mind
I don't remember specific conversations
I do remember her intellect
her empathy
She didn't seem to mind me
Her birthday came around and I noticed
that she was sad
No one seemed to acknowledge the day
and I felt it was important
I spent my allowance on a gift
Thinking back, her acceptance of it held trepidation
a fear that I couldn't make sense of at the time
After school her mother came
and saw the gift
She yelled at the girl, grabbed her arm
Public violence was foreign to me
at least violence perpetuated by adults
I hid behind a building and observed
Deep sadness and anger burning in my gut
wishing I could do something
feeling that I was responsible
I think about it now and wonder with a sense of sadness
if that was happening
What was going on behind closed doors?