Guardian Angel

Inside my mind

There's a place I've been retreating to

It exists in meat space too

In my visions it is always sunrise

Or just the tickling of burning fog

The light cresting over the horizon

Trees reflecting in the still water

Sometimes, the walk there is slow

Deliberate and soothing

Sometimes I'm running from

Something I can never see

Regardless, when I arrive all is peaceful

The sun hitting my face

Energy lighting up every pore

Crisp, cool air filling my lungs

There always seems to be a hint of frost

Early spring or late autumn

I sit, the bench wet with dew

But it doesn't bother me

Instead a reminder

Of reality knocking at the door

After a time of quiet reflection

Someone always stops by

Sometimes it's my therapist

Sometimes my grandmother

Sometimes the avatar to the Goddess

Taking a form my mind can comprehend

And we talk until the sun begins to hang low again

And I am embraced

I start to cry because letting go is painful

And always

I am told it will be alright

I can visit any time I'd like

And she, whomever she

Will always be there to watch over me

Selfie

I tried to take a picture of myself

To let people know that I'm OK

But I'm not

Everything is coming out wrong

I see the depths of shadow in my eyes

Things I wish I could express

But I'm not sure it would come through

I'm in a unique space

Family situations I've become a part of

I don't have much choice

I don't lament my lot in life

I feel warmth in the healing of others

I feel joy in being there

My shoulders are weary

My knees are weak

I embrace a noble purpose

Healer, heal thyself

Impossible though it is

There was warmth in contact

A pure love underneath the veil

I wish it didn't be like that

But it do

I tried to take a picture of myself

But I'm really not OK

I can't lie to my own eyes

Reflecting pain

Built upon a lifetime of

Simply listening 

Empath

Reluctant, I absorb

Mostly everything thrown in my direction

It all gets tossed into a bin

Like a fire hose aimed at a teacup

Some of it is sorted

But I remember everything

Tied up in a ball

A million rubber bands all coalescing

Where one ends and another begins

I never can tell

Confessions and confidants

I won't give away your secrets

I'm not allowed to

And besides, who would I tell

This extraordinary life

This random convergence

Is beyond my ordinary description

Although I manage

Dredging some of it to the surface

Hoping someone understands

Resonance fades and understanding takes hold

For a nanosecond, someone else

Can see reality through my filter

Mad attempts at communicating

Serve my soul as well as provide context

Because, sometimes, often

I have no fucking idea 

Unconscious

I remember clouds

Ugly, gray, ominous

The wind blew from the western edge

Thunder grumbling in the distance

I stood in a parking lot

Situated a few hundred feet from a beach

That looked distressed, haunted

Driftwood mingling with various bits

Of lives long forgotten

There was a run-down van

And people I wasn't sure I knew

Or if it was just some trick of the mind

It started to rain

Heavy drops painfully cold

Someone said we should leave

The rain got heavier and the wind louder

My companion screaming into nothing

I struggled to hear while paralyzed

A wave came out of the darkness

My foot tangled in a web of force

Yanked out to sea

My lungs filled with water

Next thing I knew, I was staring at myself

Floating above my body

Lying on a cold, black surface

Even though I could see myself

I felt the cold against my skin

Felt the gravel press against my face

And the blood and tears

I howled into the black

Not sure what me I was hearing

My scream echoed in my ears

As reality manifested itself

Gangster

Back when weed was a forbidden commodity 

I knew this guy

He was foreign by birth and by attitude 

A criminal from a place where that sort of thing 

Was commonplace 

He talked a huge game 

Kind of surprised it wasn't his mouth 

That ended up killing him 

Grass wasn't his only thing 

And it seems once you dip into one black market 

You dive head first into all of them

One day he'd be dripping in money 

The next he's be begging for food

The cycle surrounding him

Like a cloak of shattered dreams 

I heard from somewhere 

He had some sort of college education 

And it was obvious 

The way he spoke, the way he knew things 

Some of it was the creative genius 

Of survival in the streets 

Formal education paid by blood money 

From a place he never talked about 

He was compassionate 

He never did me wrong and in a way 

I knew he liked and respected me

More than some

There was this darker side

This underbelly of deciet and lies

This mechanism of defense 

He was proud to commit murder 

If only unintentionally 

And there's no doubt in my mind 

That he'd turn on even me

If the price was right 

How much of that was mental illness 

How much of that was drugs 

How much of that was situational 

We stopped talking 

When I didn't have to deal with criminals to get high

He tried on social media 

But something told me I shouldn't 

The next I heard of him 

His mugshot was all over the news 

And I was sad

Then came unfortunate news of his death

Details that were speculation 

Even though I knew all the evil

I knew the good too

No one deserves an end like that 

There was argument amongst people 

Some called him garbage 

Some called him a saint

I just knew the guy

And that he was a brilliant human 

Taken out predictably 

In an unpredictable life

Network

A friend has passed away

Not the first time

I've seen myself through murder

Suicide, natural causes

Friends, family, my own child

The burden never is lighter

At my grandfather's funeral

No one dared to cry

Stoic silence is what I was taught

Through all this, I maintain

But I don't think that's healthy

I'm not even sure it's working anymore

Death comes for everyone eventually

Knowing this

Doesn't make it easier in the slightest

Sometimes I think connection makes it harder

You know instantaneously

No time to process

One day they're posting memes

The next, a family member

Taking on the burden

Of telling everyone they know

Friends, enemies, lurkers

Suddenly there's a gap

A missing piece

And sometimes the message goes unnoticed

And they're just not posting anymore

Months, years removed

You finally stumble on the news

And you feel like a total asshole

For not extending sympathy sooner

Death in the digital age is different

Yet it remains the same 

Stardust

This is where I end up

When I can't make sense of things

The spirits of the river

Intertwined with the smell of urban decay

Everyone is lost in thier own experiences

Some better off than others

We all are from ashes

And to dust we will all return

Problematic

I was 12

When I first realized

I was attracted to women

Of course I didn't understand nuance

Or subtlety

All I knew was that the idea of woman

In all respects

Was beautiful and something to be cherished

I didn't express this openly

I looked at pictures of the female form

Hidden in my room behind the glass of the internet

In the dark where no one would know or see

I dated guys

As expected of me

Even though I was treated like one of the bros

Approximately half of the time

My first kiss was with a boy

Who transitioned into a woman

Looking at the situation now

It makes total sense

I never felt comfortable being sexual with men

I tried to tell myself it was a phase

I hadn't met the right man

Except I did

Twice

And while I love the men in my life

And would lay down my existence

If it meant saving them

I don't feel that thing

That indescribable tingle deep inside

Beyond conscious thought

The problem is, I lose myself

I do stupid things because my mind

Gets twisted and mixed up

And that's why it never works

It's probably internalized misogynistic thoughts

Picked up from being raised half a boy

And a smattering of bullshit

I have no control over

So I try to exist and respect

Every individual because it's the right thing to do

But I'm still hung up on that first fleeting thought

A brief revelation

At 12 years old

Forbbidden

I remember holding her hand

Keeping it a secret

Feeling like no one would understand

Exploring teenage sexuality

This tidal wave of maybe, finally

Figuring out part of my identity

I didn't understand love

I really didn't understand affection

Here she was, beautiful

Forbidden

Toxic

Mine

Even though she never was

We met at night through snuck out windows

Moonlit encounters only we knew about

Hormonal pleasure and carnal urges

Satisfaction in all the wrong ways

She pulled every single string

My emotions her puppet, dancing

I'm not entirely sure she was conscious of it

I was, however, an experiment

Rebellion against a doctrine

And when it no longer served

I no longer served

I wasn't innocent

I did hurtful things

Driven by things inside myself that were unfamiliar

We both got what we deserved

I did love her

And in some twisted way

I still do

Overcome

There is a powerful truth

To being used to sadness

Used to hurt, used to despair and grief

Loss of friends, loss of lovers

Loss of children and mothers

Of a sense of security in routine things

Lives comforted by the mundane

The simple kiss of sunshine on your face

In the dead of darkest winter

Accustomed to the noise of the wailing

That is the curse of humanity

So aware of misery

Of mistakes and things that shouldn't happen

But they do

And we hurt because we've seen joy

We hurt because we know pleasure

Because we seek patterns where none dare to exist

Aching to embrace monotony

Spontaneous action prophesied our demise

So we sit in silence while suffering

Aching to do we know not what

But it isn't this

It isn't this