there is an ache I feel in my spirit
Waking hours filled with darkness
this nebulous sadness
I've been ignoring it at least externally
Avoiding discussions or acknowledgement
pushing it aside because
there is an abundance of connections
My life blessed with companionship
so many people feel love
when they think of me
In my dreams intermixed
between images of fear and despair
there are brief moments of bliss
Sometimes there are sexual encounters
Often it is just the experience
of being held, of physical contact
of pure love manifest
The person changes
my mind conjuring the people I am closest to
and I sob into their chest
mumbling through everything that hurts
Somehow I know it isn't real
but my longing makes it feel real enough
and then I'm in bed again
with this empty ache inside my chest
I have this need I can't articulate
this need that makes no sense
this need that is breaking me down
more than anything these fucking times
have spit in my spiritual eye
I don't know how to live this way
missing a thing I didn't know I wanted
