I'm sure I'm not the only one who is feeling a sense of disconnection from reality. The state of the world is so ridiculous, the mind can't be blamed for checking out at least a little bit. Sometimes, this makes me incredibly sad. I weep, for what exactly, I can't say. I also find myself laughing at everything too. I'm the type to laugh at a funeral, though. There are people who find my habit of using humor as a deflection annoying at best. Oftentimes, I am seen as insulting and offensive. I understand where a joke could hurt, especially if is made at the expense of a person. However, I don't think joking about an absurd situation is particularly offensive. The world is a dumpster fire. Arguably, there isn't a single point in human history where the world hasn't been some sort of trash fire. I think seeing humor in the darkness helps us make sense out of the pain. Gallows humor always has a place.
Along those lines, I feel like I am stuck inside my own head a lot more. Now that I'm not fighting for basic survival (feels weird not struggling as much even as things objectively get worse in general), I find myself thinking about the internal struggle. I have always dealt with some crossed wires in my brain. In between spending childhood being told that my perceptions were either fake or dangerous coupled with the fact that basic survival takes precedence over everything else, I have spent way too long pushing these things to the side. Ignoring something doesn't address or solve it, really. It is interesting hearing myself describe what life inside my head is like. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I am used to people telling me I'm either stupid or crazy. I am starting to come to terms with the crazy label being incredibly harmful. I have really internalized it and it is going to take a lot of unpacking to undo the damage.
It really is a double edged thing at this point. I have to not only redefine my identity in a lot of ways, I also have to integrate these things back into myself. I've spent far too long thinking of my mental particulars as disorders even though oftentimes they help more than they hinder. Sure, some of it is a total pain in the ass but having experienced life without them, I can honestly say that I'd much rather deal with navigating some pitfalls as opposed to crippling absence and existence in a void. Fuck what conventional "wisdom" says is normal. Even medicated, I can't hang with that shit. I might as well focus on embracing myself as a whole person and not feel bad because I don't fit in even as a fractured soul.
