Blind

Yet again I awaken from eternal sleep 

There is evidence of how long I weep

Ebodied within fallen signs

Madness consumes and blurring lines 

I find I'm blind I didn't notice 

The slow progression of losing focus 

And when I open my eyes it's a blur 

Any explanation seems absurd 

When I tell myself I'll be alright 

Prepare for a fight only at night 

Where I wrestle with haunted dreams 

Sometimes it seems just an end to a means

I'll sob internally so no one can see

I'll be the hero of my own fable

Until I'm able to trend towards stable 

And eternal rest

Haunts my waking memory no more 

Can't

I'm notorious for ghosting myself

I'll disappear into oblivion 

I want to be all things 

Supportive, especially now

But sometimes 

I just can't 

The sign says closed 

I become a shadow 

An observer

I feel sadness of ineffectual

A deep sense of pain 

But I realize 

I can't 

Catching Feelings

At first I didn't notice 

Relationships in my head

Develop in their own time

People talk about love languages 

And I'm illiterate 

I exist to love people 

To care about anyone who shows me kindness 

I try to navigate 

To tailor my feelings to the situation 

And... 

I can't

Love is just love 

Actions have boundaries and of that 

I have total agency 

I understand the nuances of categories 

I embrace them as I've been taught 

Inside my heart and inside my head

If I love, I care

There's no layers, no hidden agenda 

I'm starting to question my deeper understanding 

I confess my love more

Not to cross a line 

But to try and help myself understand 

This emotion I feel for many 

This emotion I've been kicked into limiting 

If I've loved you, I still do

Even if you've abused me

Even if you hate me

Even if you can't for whatever reason 

It doesn't matter 

Once the switch flips, it is on forever 

Am I lucky 

Am I just too emotionally charged 

Sensitive becomes a pejorative 

Maybe it would be healthy if I could let go

But that isn't the way my heart works

First

In darkness I developed consciousness 

My first thoughts were of cold

Of feeling alone

Vague sounds of machinery 

And whispered concern 

I didn't understand but I was afraid 

I was missing comforting hands

Sterile odor assaulting my senses 

I'm not sure why

This memory is still so persistent 

I dream of the loneliness 

The total sense of black

The mechanical noises and worried hands

The pain

Sometimes I return to my own mind 

And my throat is sore

Was I sobbing

Or was it only in my memory? 

Ocean

My family took a trip to Washington 

Traveling up the coastal highway 

I was but a small child, fascinated 

With all the things I'd never seen before 

On a cloudy day we stopped 

To observe a beach somewhere 

On the Oregon coast 

It was a cloudy day, cold

The wind and waves a symphony 

To my innocent desert heart 

I wandered away from my parents 

The danger of oblivion so close 

But I didn't know that type of danger

The wave caught my foot

And swept me away in an instant 

Everything became absolute chaos 

I couldn't breathe

I didn't know where I was

In mere moments I touched the face of death 

Time lingered towards eternity 

As I slipped away 

An invisible hand seemed to tighten around me 

I heard a voice, loud yet gentle 

Without gender, without identity 

"Not yet" 

The rumbling vortex spat me on the shore 

I laid there, sputtering, confused 

I stood up as my parents rushed to me

And I smiled at them 

As if nothing had happened 

Object

When I was around ten or eleven 

A man my mother knew 

Showed up at our door, presumably 

To pick my brother up

He said things

I was uncomfortable but I didn't know why 

He gave me a necklace 

Told me I was pretty 

He touched my face and I remember 

Feeling like my stomach was crawling 

Out of my body

I didn't know how to respond 

I think I cried silently 

I'm sure I was accused 

Of being too emotional 

Of taking things the wrong way 

He was just being friendly 

I couldn't look at that necklace without revulsion 

But I kept it

Because he was just being nice 

Box

I live in a box

Made of steel and various plastic bits

It is warm and the bed is comfortable 

It is situated 

In a park with other boxes 

Other humans existing as best as they can 

Sometimes I'll go for a walk 

And a box will have vanished 

And I can't help but wonder 

Will anyone ask

When my box disappears? 

Reborn

Here I exist in contemplation 

Burning with singular anticipation 

Wondering why I be

Questioning the whole of me

I've been me the entire time 

Down the line I'll be fine

But for now I'm in a state of flux 

Stuck 

Between burnout and revelation 

Spiritual focus and sense of purpose 

Swirling nebula making me nervous 

I realize my unhealthy habitual state

I can relate, I've seen this show before 

I'll adore, I'll implore, I'll explore 

This sense of overwhelming sync

It's all really random I think 

Is the dice controlled by an invisible hand

Change the direction with a sincere demand 

Prayers are an illusion without the intent 

Hell bent heaven sent

How can we possibly be sure

Humans aren't pure

But we try to survive as a tribe

And we imbibe all the easy answers 

And try to avoid our collective cancers 

I'm six feet deep and I'll creep

Until I figure out how the noise 

Puzzels out a pattern in the void

Episode of a Thing #3: Recovery

Confessions and stuff.

Episode of a Thing #2 - Uplift

Episode 2 of the ol thing.