Unfortunate News

As with everything lately

I heard about it on social media 

An acquaintance had passed away 

someone I didn't really know 

but he was a friend to many friends 

and I remember him being cool

the few times we met

The outpouring of concern is comforting 

support manifesting in amazing ways

an odd contrast to the vitriol 

flowing through the social veins 

Then in the same fucking breath 

Someone said that a degenerate 

had stolen from a dead man

potentially someone who had been 

supportive from a distance 

I really have no idea 

I'm not really involved at all 

but I ache the same regardless

Quarantine

I wasn't in a bad place

humanity a low din in the back of my mind 

laughing, joking, accepting quietly 

the tragic hilarity that is right now 

I had to get some kind of food

I've been living on trash perpetually 

indulging in the isolation 

avoiding what interaction is somewhat allowed 

As I entered the store

I felt a rush of distant nausea 

my mask weighing more than usual 

suddenly aware of prying eyes

and an abundance of anger and frustration 

I knew exactly what I wanted

but my mind was scrambled 

with the untidy feelings in the room

Everyone was in some sort of hurry 

I ended up with a dull pain 

right between my eyes 

and my heart felt like it was being squeezed

by a hot iron fist

I couldn't get out of there fast enough 

practiced calm belaying no indication 

of the extremes simmering internally 

I went back home and crawled inside 

my unhealthy food and other vices 

Staring at a familiar work of fiction 

glad to be away from it again 

sad that there's no real escape 

wishing I could blip completely out

only for a few moments in time 

Peak Bullshit

It was right around the end of December

an unusually snowy winter 

The tree out front had fallen in a storm

and still laid angrily and awkwardly 

waiting to be attended to

Early in the morning 

I was shaken from a deep sleep 

by a deafening silence 

Panic and disorientation knotted my gut

until I realized that the power 

had been unceremoniously cut off

They warned us by letter

sometime last week but

between the stress of work

and dejected hopelessness of the situation 

the message was mostly ignored 

except for the nagging feeling of doom

that had become daily life

We went about our day

and reconnected that night

The crushing darkness made more profound 

by the creeping feeling of cold

We ended up getting a generator 

a small thing not meant for powering a house 

to run a space heater and an igloo cooler

we managed to convert into a makeshift fridge 

and chargers for our phones 

the only connection to the outside world 

Sometimes the cold was too much 

risking torching our entire existence 

we would light a fire

in a fireplace that wasn't at all up to code 

consisting of paper trash

and damp remnants from the tree out front 

The constant silence was maddening 

and the generator had to rest 

several times a day

I didn't shower for a month 

smelling like burning paper and cold sweat 

I'm sure people noticed 

In the middle of another frozen night 

I ate cold clam chowder from a can

and I remember thinking 

This is what peak bullshit feels like 

Ten Minutes

I'm standing here, waiting

the first angry drops of rain 

demonstrating how much this shelter sucks 

There's a rough looking old man

eating ice cream with a painting knife 

and a teen hitting a vape pen

It's cold

Winter not letting anyone forget 

I feel a million eyes stare 

paranoid as I hide my face 

In a blink the bus is here

another blip seared into my head 

Street

There's something in the air today

a throbbing pain humming loudly

a song I know but don't want to hear

The downtrodden gather 

on rainy street corners, smoking 

yelling at nothing and each other 

There's the discarded remnants 

of a home pregnancy test 

scattered in front of the public toilet 

As I try to eat something 

I get a a schizophrenic ping from the blur 

I knew what he wanted 

somehow in that moment we spoke 

the same awkward language 

He wandered off mumbling to himself 

the remains of the conversation 

ringing inside my soul

I'm anxious now, nervous 

surrounded by the winter street 

People pass by wearing luxury 

turning their heads away 

and I light a joint and pick a direction 

stepping further into the flood

Haunted

I've always been fascinated

by haunted abandoned places 

areas where humanity abandoned roots

leaving walls to melt away with time 

I make it a sport to ignore 

no trespassing sings 

suggestions made in the guise of safety 

In Staunton there were crypts 

monuments to the dead behind creaking gates

and just as many churches dedicated 

to decaying Christian sects 

On campus there was a cathedral of sorts

an impossibly old building not often used

the cross of Christ on display yet 

collecting dust glowering above a Bible 

seldom touched 

I found the place quite by accident 

on one of my many escapist walks

I'd go there to pray to a pagan god 

and ask redemption of Jesus 

One night I went to her and asked

if she wanted to see something cool

she trusted me and I led her 

to the dusty tomb

For some reason it wasn't on any map

She of course was fascinated with the history 

I was overjoyed at sharing my discovery 

After discussing Bible passages 

her an atheist rooted in scientific methods 

myself a pagan raised by Christians

we kissed deeply in the pale light 

beaming through stained glass

the glower of the cross an aphrodisiac of sorts

I don't remember what happened next

the moment overwhelming time

I remember that kiss

I remember feeling like her spirit 

intertwined with mine

I remember perfection manifest again 

wishing I could pause reality again 

and something in the back of my mind 

told me that this was way too beautiful 

for me to ever hope to keep

Trauma Bond

I had never lived with anyone

except my parents and brothers 

I had no idea what to expect 

and knew less about what I was doing 

After a somewhat emotional weekend 

of buying things I couldn't take with me

I was unceremoniously placed

in a third floor room paired with

someone I had never met

She was tall, intimidating 

raven black hair and a fererce spirit 

When it came to integration 

we both were outcasts 

Pagans in an overtly Christian bubble 

We bonded through the occult knowledge 

of being old souls 

She had this boyfriend 

I didn't like the guy even though 

he was a man of standing 

They would have loud sex

while I pretended to sleep 

Sometimes I wake up from a deep sleep 

hearing them moaning and growling 

It made me feel sick

I said nothing because I didn't want

to be a prude and have them dislike me

One time he had me drive his Bronco

up and down the unfamiliar highways 

while they loudly fucked in the back

They paid me quite a bit of money 

I still felt a little bit slimy over the whole thing 

One day she said she couldn't take it

In a drunken rage she took an army scalpel 

sunk it into her wrist, deep

Blood was everywhere 

I froze in horror 

I had never seen something so drastic 

And then I swear on all things holy 

I watched the wound close in seconds

only a small amount of blood remained 

She screamed at me

"see what I fucking have to deal with?" 

She ran out of the room 

and I never saw her again

Her belongings scattered all over the room 

preserved for months until they figured out 

She wasn't coming back

I stayed in that room alone 

until I was assigned somewhere else

The vague suggestion of suicide 

haunting the space eternally 

A Date

It was somewhere near Valantine's day

I bought tickets to a performance

of A Midsummer Night's Dream

Nothing terribly extravagant 

There were no costumes and the stage 

was a box shaped outline

taped to a gymnasium floor

several rows of folded chairs arranged 

haphazardly around the room 

I held her hand as I tried to pretend 

to pay attention to the story 

although I was staring at her 

more than at the actors 

Beforehand, we had gone to dinner 

and I had ordered her my favorite thing 

she seemed to enjoy it

I had trouble focusing on food 

her radiant warmth capturing my attention 

The play went by in a blur 

suddenly we were walking 

in the frozen moonlight hand in hand

She was taken by the stars 

the way the dew on the grass shimmered 

the lights of sleeping buildings 

glowing in the dark

I was taken by her

the essence and beauty of her

glowing in this otherworldly way

We stopped as she pointed out 

a random cluster of stars

I turned and looked into her eyes 

and eventually she stared into me 

Time seemed to stop and in that moment 

I was close to perfection 

I could die right then and there

and be absolutely happy 

Timidly, I kissed her lips

At first she pulled away and was afraid 

I had misread the entire situation 

But then she gently, ever so slightly 

leaned into my body 

I didn't take it any further 

I couldn't take it any further 

I may have said that I loved her

or maybe I was just thinking it loudly 

I walked her back to her dorm

silent except for my pounding heart 

She kissed my cheek and bounced inside 

I don't know how long I stood outside 

consumed by a burning wish 

that I could just hold her again 

It might have been hours

it probably was mere minutes 

All too quickly I was in my room 

that chick I lived with snoring 

loudly in the corner

The angry glow of a computer 

bathing a single tear in bright white 

Absolutes

Today I felt fucking angry

a deep, pulsing irritation aimed 

at everything and everyone 

The situation is getting old

but then something stuck between mindless scrolling 

reminded me of a party

A simple gathering one bright May day

Thinking about it makes me feel

warmth on my skin and joy in my heart 

cutting through seasonal gloom

My friends were there 

coming together from all corners 

One friend was visiting from England 

out of all the parties and social bullshit 

he decided to visit me 

He wished me a happy birthday 

and gave me the sincerest hug

I remember the moment in beautiful detail 

the fragrance of his humanity 

birds singing over the music 

everything coalescing into perfection 

He smoked with me and we talked

I love the sound of his voice 

The memory cuts through the gloom 

shining a light into the cavern 

that has become routine 

and I can't stop myself from smiling 

These are the moments 

the profound epiphany of happiness 

exemplary examples of radiant joy

Transitory though they are 

they make the sadness ache a little less 

the anger burn a little less

the burden of sensory perception a little lighter 

Even though I ache in this moment 

I feel like it is all been worth it 

Bonding

People often interact with me

in times of emotional intensity 

it doesn't really matter the direction 

good or bad or positive or negative 

it all stings just the same

I wonder if there is a baseline 

or if there is something about me

that makes it so I'm trusted 

with so much vulnerability

I have to say I'm honored but

at the same time I'm deeply sad

because it seems like I'm drowning in extremes 

and it seems like intensity is all I have 

bonding through trauma of triumph 

and the triumph of trauma 

The river of friendship running ice cold

when the mundane settles in