Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bus People

I love public transit, especially since I am fortunate enough to have a bus pass that only costs $10 a month that gets taken care of by school grants, so technically it is free. That being said, I don't love or even like rude assholes on the bus. What do I consider a "rude asshole," you ask? I've compiled a tiny list.

1. People that don't give consideration to disabled and/or elderly passengers. I have a bum foot so I use a cane to get around sometimes. If someone gets on the bus who needs the front seats (or any seat if the bus is full) more than me, I'll move or ride standing. If you are a strong looking teenager, don't get pissed off at me if I glare at you when you refuse to move and let my ass sit down. Along the same lines, disabled people tend to move a bit slowly. Kicking the back of my feet while in the queue is not going to make me move any faster. In fact, it may make the queue come to a screeching halt because I will turn around and bust you in the balls with my cane.

2. People who don't look before they sit. I have been sat on, as if I were invisible. I've gotten people's asses in my face as well as all sorts of bags and backpacks. It doesn't take long to do a quick scan of the area before you flop your ass down on the seat.

3. The cell phone megaphone. Talking on the phone on the bus happens for a variety of reasons. I have no problem with people using phones quietly. When the entire bus can hear how much of a cunt your girlfriend is or how much of a drunken asshole your boyfriend is, it is time to evaluate the volume of your voice. Your kinks, your bratty kids, your family drama, your eviction notice, your hernia surgery or the boil on the crack of your ass, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT and neither does anyone else.

4. People who have no sense of hygiene. I know, some days, it gets entirely too hot. Sweating a bit and smelling like B.O. is something that just happens on a hot day in a crowded area. There is however, a difference between being a bit sweaty and smelling like you haven't showered in a year. Also, if you smell like ANY type of bodily fluid or excretion, it might be time to bathe.

5. Perfume bathers. A few spritzes is fine, the whole bottle is not. If you alone can make the entire bus smell like the bastard child of Bed Bath and Beyond and a Mary Kay outlet store, you have used too much fragrance. Please consider the nasal passages of your fellow passengers while dosing yourself.

6. Teenagers. 90% of them have no sense of shame, decorum, class or decency. When sharing a public space, a certain amount of respect is expected and required in order for things to function smoothly. Making out like you are trying out for a soft-core porno is not acceptable bus behavior. Nor is loudly making drug deals. Asking people where to get drugs isn't exactly a good idea either. Even if I knew where to get drugs, I sure as hell wouldn't be telling your punk ass. The bus is not a rolling spot to hang out. Pick a spot, go there and STAY THERE FOR A WHILE. The bus is not your bedroom with wheels. Don't stick gum on the seats, don't leave trash and don't tag stupid shit all over the bus. No one likes cleaning it up.

7. The obscenely dressed. I dress like a freak. I know this and embrace it. I have no problems with people letting their freak flag fly. However, I don't want to see your bush, your cock, your hairy ass or your incredibly ample muffin top. If I can make out your sexy bits through your clothes, consider going up a size. Also, crack kills. Wear a belt. Knowing your bare ass is touching the seat is kind of a disturbing thought.

tl;dr: People should respect others while using public transit. Don't be a tool on the bus.

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