Permanency

I had just turned 18

and I was about to be thrown into the thorns 

I had been thinking about getting a permanent scar

although I'm glad I had to wait 

My brother introduced me to an artist 

helped me pay for it

I got the first thing that came to mind

a symbol of faith I'd keep forever 

even though I've fallen away from the trappings 

I wasn't sure I'd like the experience 

Turns out it became therapeutic 

a combination of primal pain and intellectual stimulation 

the rush of making a permanent decision 

A tiny acceptable taste of self destruction 

rebellion I can literally wear 

Its in people's faces 

Taking up space, shouting 

A shift from being invisibly silent 

Even when I can't speak 

these scars speak for me

Telling the story of my life in symbology of my choosing 

If no one else gets it

I do 

I have absolutely no regrets 

Impostor

Scrolling mindlessly searching for dopamine

The subconscious farming for validation 

People adore me but it feels hollow 

In the same nanosecond I see 

my existence praised and diminished 

comradere and punishment for things 

I can't possibly control 

For every message of sympathy and care

another shot of gasoline fueling the flames 

No one is good at anything but the best at everything 

It feels like pissing up a rope in a rainstorm 

losing track of what is real and what is imaginary heartache 

Divisive rhetoric blurring lines and turning us against ourselves 

Part of me wants to soldier on

letting someone, anyone know they aren't alone 

Is digital stimulus worth martyrdom 

would anyone notice if it was

Definition

In the midst of standing in a peaceful place

I often find myself feeling sad

Trying to describe the sensation

is difficult

Most people understand when you say sad

at least there's common knowledge

expectations shared because everyone thinks

they've experienced sadness at least once

Humans like to deal with framework

categories are natural to us

Automatic assumptions make it easy to identify and sympathize

What I'm feeling is sadness I think

Experience and wisdom seem to point to that simple description

but somehow it seems deeper

A knot in my gut and this weight

pressure inside my head

Physical response to an emotional state

It came out of nowhere

response to a stimulus I often ignore

Probably because I numb myself to abuse

I love everyone but I know it's not reciprocal

I say nothing

Secrets kept until my dying day

Who knows what people say about me

it isn't my place to manage

still, it cuts just a little bit

bleeds just a little bit

Mostly because I don't understand 

Social

Every fucking day I see the blink

Beep beep someone's talking I think

Notifications up in my face

Shit talking all over the place

The loving embrace of drama in my space

Gossip and bad news spreading like fire

Everyone saying experience is a liar

Believe this or that or there other

Brother turning against brother against mother

Everything becoming some sort of crisis

Communication genuine an act of congress

We're told emotions are valid but not how to deal

Reactions are part of the appeal

Blowing up like an M80 in glass

Total destruction without any class

The past won't outlast our self sabotage

Peace becomes a distant mirage

Was it possible or beyond our comprehension

Open our eyes to soul crushing apprehension

Reality always invading our spaces

Anger and bile all up in our places

Refugees from ourselves in a self-made war

Blurry lines between rich and the poor

Maybe we need a cosmic reset

Because truth is, we're all we have left 

The Fox

One night I decided to go to a half-assed party

at an unfamiliar venue somewhere downtown

I hadn't been in the area very long

and I needed a bit more socialization

The past few years had been hell

but I felt like I was getting my groove back

A friend I had met in community college

encouraged me to show up

I knew a few other people

The gathering was kind of dull

I wasn't really feeling the vibe

Then my friend asked me

"you wanna smoke some weed with this weirdo with a car?"

I hardly ever refuse free grass

So I met this guy

turns out he was my friend's ex

The second we locked eyes

I knew there was a connection

I don't believe in love at first sight but

this was the closest I've ever been

We smoked and talked about a bunch of things

figured out we had a lot of common interests (duh)

exchanged internet information

We started talking on various chats

began hanging out because he sold me weed

He was a student too just trying to survive

I bought him a sandwich once because he hadn't eaten in days

We ended up moving into his ex girlfriend's closet

Mutual homelessness really brings people together

or they end up hating each other

Eventually we got a house then another and now we're in this box

I wouldn't want it any other way

It seemed though we were this open situation

Together but not ultimately attached

I feared him wandering off

I didn't think I was worthy of singularly

Surely he'd find someone better than me

The truth is he adores me

and sometimes that's hard for me to wrap my brain around

We never really discuss it

We've been together so long it hardly seems to matter

but it feels more official

real

Maybe it is because of this awkward year

or maybe we've grown individually

and thus we've grown together

I don't know

I confess, I've never known love quite like this

I don't want to make it seem like my other loves are less important

There is equal and profound space in my heart

This is something different

and it's a secret I keep because I don't understand it

I feel all emotions doubled

and then there's this exponential thing

I think I've communicated this in my own goblin way

I'm sure he knows

Momma

My mom was one of my first homies

It went beyond scrapes and skinned knees

She had my back behind closed doors

Situations where my wants were ignored

Teaching me passion and compassion

Kindness was aways in fashion

She's an empath too but bruised

Sensitive people tend to get used

Though abused she refused

To tell me that I was acting insane

She believed in the validity of my pain

I learned how to sit down and listen

No matter what my position

Trusting my extreme intuition

I've given people a bit too much rope

Dealt with bullshit and have had to cope

Stupid decisions but never regret

because of the beautiful spirits I've met

Memories of those passed away

joy in knowing so many today

Support from humans, I have been blessed

With absolute love I'm obsessed

My energy is warm, so I've been told

It would have been easy to become cold

Unfeeling

I'm strong but I didn't do it alone

That fortress of mind started at home

and I can't thank my momma enough

Winter

In the dead of winter

it is easy to be lonely especially within

this darkened span of history

It seems as if no one cares

The crushing weight of circumstance

overpowering any joy there once was

or so it seems

The burden is lighter though

there's an undertone of togetherness

technology enabling community through instant communication

Thoughts exist in real time

even though there is lack of physical touch

emotions can be expressed

I can almost feel it through the screen and I am thankful for

the closeness

Caught halfway between joy and despair

the pain is almost soothing

at least I know I'm alive

It hurts

Numb Eternal

I was incredibly young

when I figured out that alcohol made everything stop hurting

It didn't take much

I didn't really need to be drunk

Minor intoxication was more than sufficient

I had a tendency to drink every day

No one noticed because it never was a big deal

I wasn't doing things chronic drinkers do

Excess always made me sick

At times I didn't care

The numbness of euphoria more than worth it

It's an abusive relationship

The scars get deeper every time

I notice that the compulsion comes

at times of great distress

Times where reality hits way too close off my bow

when I want to forget I exist

I don't want to die but I want to just a little bit

It's an emotional high nothing else does

Ungrounded

None of my senses make any sense

There are plenty of drugs

that make me feel blissfully altered

and even when I was chemically lobotomized

I had some tendril of spirit hooked into myself

The creature blows all that away and the allure of this becomes too much

almost

I'll be at the shop with money in my pocket and just stare

A fight so internal no one seems to notice

The compulsion of purposefully poisoning

murder drink by agonizing drink

Some voice in my gut tells me though

I can't let myself die this way

I'll walk away and wonder what if

The white hot pain of empathy ringing in my ears

Then I'll celebrate silently

I've lived another day

Soul

Every person I've ever met

Has an energy about them

Some call it the aura

A glow sometimes described with a color

Patterns only some can see

Intuition picks up on this

Regardless of how it is depicted

I feel this as a physical sensation

Beauty as a type of warmth

Comfort and joy in varying degrees

Ugliness and hate cold upon my skin

I can smell it too but

Accurate description is beyond me

Most of the time, I'm not close enough

People radiate a guarded dullness

I've learned to filter it out too

If I didn't I'd lose myself in the sensation

When I was younger

Crowds would strangle me with panic

It took a lot of experience to finally figure out why

Drugs help

They also hinder in unforseen ways

Painful energy aches eternal

It's worth it though because

Where there is shadow, there is light

I have this energy too

It's a part of every conscious being

I can't read myself any more

Than a book can read its own pages

I've made mistakes and have injured

But I am a warm soul I've been told

Hearing that makes me joyful

I just have to convince myself

That I am radiating

The very things that I admire 

Complex

Even in the middle of the storm

I find myself feeling numb

Things flying by at warp

Sometimes it all is too much

And I shut down

The switch doesn't flip as easily

It isn't always on any more

It's a default defensive mode

A machine constructed out of my hands

I sit with the beige

Try to process just like anything else

Lack of emotion is still an emotion

I don't know what to do with it

Expression seems kind of pointless

Dull ache among the contentedness

Sometimes there is a trigger

Always, probably

I'm just not aware of it

It has to do with exhaustion

Overload at a cellular level

Sleep an overwhelming obsession

Until my mind takes over

Panic kicks me into something

And it begins again 

Trash

Evidence all around

Soaked by rain beaten by sun

Reclaimed by the earth or simply tossed

Like last night's condom

Punishment for existing

Disgusted looks from a Mercedes

Even the pedestrians cross to the other side

Putting up the blinders

Out of sight out of mind

I hear it in my soul

Dull ache of continuous suffering

I see it because I am here

Observing while not being of

At least not currently

But for the grace of God, they say

Hanging out is expensive

Life isn't in any way free

If I could solve the problems of any precious life

I'd be glad to take it on

I can speak up

I can be a voice for life ignored

I can't guarantee anyone is listening

Maybe that isn't the point

Solstice

It is the darkest day

The longest night at the end

Of an age of confusion and grief

Aquarius moving into focus

Change and rebirth on the horizon

Our scars are many but are beautiful

Part of us even though they are painful

Through love we will renew strength

Compassion and commiseration

Learning through trauma shared

Individual experience becoming one voice

It always is a battle

An unending fight for understanding

It all can't be roses and rainbows

There's a point to all of this

Blessed are we to believe enough

In each of us

To manifest existence 

Just Friends

It was the perfect crime

I could stay the night

Innocent socialization between two friends

Of course people knew

Her parents were blissfully unaware

Mine didn't really care

As long as I wasn't out causing trouble

Even though I was

just nothing obvious

I'm not sure why I was so caught up

Feelings choking my limited experience

I like to think she loved me

Even though we were both young and stupid

I like to think I wasn't just an experimental experience

Even though she told me I was

Maybe she said it because she was hurting too

The sting occupies a part of my spirit still

Even though I know it was a mutual situation

I don't regret any of it it

The awkward sexual encounters

While her parents slept

Too intoxicated to ask

It was exhilarating because of the novelty

The rawness of unfamiliar physical contact

The complete unfamiliarity with the mystery of orgasam

When I think about it now

That wasn't why I hung around

I was in love with her presence

The way we cuddled in the dark

The heat of her body intertwined

The smell of her hair

I can conjure the memory 

It bubbles up through my subconscious

Even though I'm glad she thinks I'm dead

Something about our first love affairs

Remain as tendrils in our hearts

This ache for the unobtainable perfection

Of situational memories

Wishing for the euphoria

Without all the trauma of mutual abuse 

Broken

One thing I'm starting to realize

Is how much I crave contact

And how much I wish

It didn't have to exist

Within the confines of entanglement

A sexual being I'm not

Even though it has been insisted

That I'm just denying biology

The drive for sexual satisfaction

Inherent to animals with desires of procreation

I don't see the appeal

I don't feel the urge

I live for the moment after

That comfortable exhaustion

The emotional vulnerability

The absolute perfection of just existence

Wrapped up in another human soul

It is a fun distraction

But I'd rather cry with you

Confide in you

Explore your thoughts and emotional state

Become one with your spirit simply through gentile touch

Not some chemical release

We're taught to consummate relationships

As if we're declining in population

Even if we were going extinct

Where would the joy be in just living to breed

There's so much more depth to consciousness

An intangible glow of purity in thought

A whole universe to explore

But I am silent in this

I cannot judge the motivation

I cannot be sure my perception is better or worse

I exist the same as everyone

Another mind in the middle of the cosmic soup

Asking myself if I'm broken 

Symptom

For the past few days

I've had an odd pain in my stomach

Food isn't the pleasure it used to be

It comes and goes

A problem I've had since childhood

Nothing related to the current affliction

It rides along as a passenger

To anxiety ill defined

There's not the usual symptomology

I can hide it pretty well

There's that odd pain in my stomach

And the ever present notion

That I'm being watched

Judged, talked about

Behind closed doors they whisper

I walk a bit faster

Even though it makes my limp worse

I'm running inside my own head

Circle of death into spirals

Sometimes I wonder how much of this is external

Things that seem to magnify

Into a white hot burning light

Right behind my eyeballs

There's that eye twitch, that stutter

Cracks that always seem to show

Maybe I'm the only one that notices

We are all stumbling around

With shoes untied 

Valley

There's something in my blood

Something in my energy

Call it soul perhaps

That connects me to this place

Rooted like an ancient tree

Impulsive destiny

Subconscious in a lot of ways

I tried to leave a time or two

Sabotage creeping around every half decision

I always end up backing down

Painful though it is

I'm supposed to be here

In the middle of some sort of existential war

Counseling the wounded

Though I'm bleeding too

I kind of understand why

Maybe that helps

Encounter

Love in my mind

Is literally a one way switch

Once flipped I can't forget

Usually love is tempered by context

I've figured out ways to deal

But in my soul love is equal

Once it has been given

I've never encountered love like this

Where the context isn't a concequence

It is part of the reason why it exists

You're disconnected from my reality

In such a profound and powerful way

I've never felt so close

To something so removed

I've talked to people

I've never felt entirely comfortable

There was something holding me back

I'm not sure if it's a result of maturity or experience

Or if there's an intangible beauty

Your spirit drew me in at first encounter

An aura of what I'm not sure

But it is beautiful

I know that much

It has nothing to do with romance

Love rarely does

Maybe it's just me 

Downtown

You know that feeling

After stepping in a puddle

And an almost insignificant drip

Works its way deep into your sock

It is uncomfortable and there's nothing that can be done about it

Today was kind of like that

Except there was this gloom in the air

A sadness deep as the sky was gray

I tried distracting myself

As I walked, a woman

An elder with a walker

Not dressed for the weather and soaking wet

Called out to me asking for a dollar

I gave her all my change and she asked where I was going

Up the road to the convenience store for a Coke

She asked if I was old enough to buy alcohol

I wasn't expecting that

She explained the store had 86ed her

Not surprising as they're across the street from a psychiatric hospital

Zero tolerance for odd behavior

Conflicted though I was

I obliged because I knew

Nothing else would help

As I contemplated what beer to buy

Half annoyed at thier dog shit selection

I couldn't help but feel sorry

That this poor soul was alone

Escaping something through inebriation

In the cold of the darkest winter of our lives

What combination of circumstances

Brewed such an utter shit storm

I brought my items to the counter

Even though the guy behind the counter had seen me several times

I was always masked and never buying contraband

He made the whole interaction an act of congress

I'm sure he knew the beer wasn't for me

None of his fucking business

I helped the woman open her prize

Relief was almost instantaneous

And I won't lie, I cried

Silently, almost internally

The rain hid the rest

She wandered off without a thank you

I wandered off not knowing what to say

Suddenly it felt ten degrees colder

My apatite was gone but I ate anyway

Went about my errands as I usually do

But it was darker, sullen

The weight of sadness around my neck

It gives me a headache

As I sit here in my metal box

Warm, comfortable

I weep for every soul caught up in pain

Knowing that I am only one

Amongst the nothingness 

Exist

There's a sharp pain in my head

Behind the eyes living dead

Walking slowly uphill

Wondering what's the thrill maybe I will

Complete the cycle broken again

Between a rock and a hard place begin

Everything in some kind of way

No room for play so I stay

Keep to my seat within my lane

The world picking pieces of my brain

I find myself getting irate and mean

Indulging in the argument scene

Absorbing things I don't want to embrace

I long for escape a break out of this place

Cloud of sand itching my emotion

There's no potion nor lotion

Soothing an impossible ask

Sanity an ongoing task

I'll keep pushing that rock up the hill

Becoming nothing but my power of will

I exist therefore I am alive

I thrive within the confines of survive

I can't be anything but myself

But why why why would I want to be anything else

Damien

In the middle of

Possibly one of the most unhinged

Periods of my life

I met a guy from Idaho

Blonde, with a somewhat punker asthetic

Eyes a peculiar shade of gunmetal grey

Absolutely charming yet absolutely crazy

His energy was parallel to mine

He may have been a few years older

I never got a straight answer

Deep emotional tragedy our breakfast at Tiffany's

Although we never talked about it

We knew this almost instantly about each other

It was like a two month one night stand

He was the first man I slept with

It was awkward, unsure

Mutual fumbling around in the dark

On his bedroom floor because

He didn't have a bed

He just existed in this cloud of reality

We talked about philosophy

About science and politics

We challenged each other's intelligence

I feel deeply in love

But I didn't realize it until

One day I went to his house

Because I never got his number

I don't think I ever gave him mine

His roommate answered

Said something about him disappearing in the night

After mentioning a text from his ex

In an instant it was completely over

I wonder though, almost two decades removed

If he thinks about those couple of months with fondness

Or if I'm even a blip

Did he marry that chick

Did he end up happy

I hope he's doing alright because

I loved him and I love him still

Once you push that button

The feeling never fades even though

The memories sometimes do

Fantasy

Within hidden shadow

Deeply secluded behind a veneer

Of calm and quiet composure

Lies a fantasy I figure

Should maybe exist in the open

I'm playing music

Genre switches depending on a culmination

Of external forces

Streaming my existence to the world

I pick up a gun in shining chrome

Cold and hauntingly beautiful

As the music ebbs and flows

I examine the details

Indulge in the cold touch of metal

There's no camera

People only hear what I want them to

In a moment of almost silence

I put the barrel in my mouth

The taste a foreign drug

Uncomfortable and comforting

I close my eyes and then the music fades

A final moment shared yet unrealized

Longing

The first thing I noticed was the subtle odor

Of all the life teeming within

A cool breeze gently flowing from a lake

Expanding into infinity until crashing

Gently into snow capped mountains

Pine trees filled with calling birds

Bathed in bright sunlight

I walked along a winding path

My breath barely visible

It felt like the kiss of morning

But just a little bit later in the day

I walked for what seemed hours

The morning sustained

Locked in time I traveled

Until I came upon a couple

Speaking with an unusual man

In appearance, he seemed normal enough

He seemed to exude calm

A quiet peacefulness

That seemed a subject of envy

Even though they argued

Something something pandemic

Keeping up with societal norms

Love reserved because

It was safer to keep your circle small

Or even singular

I felt a deep and profound loneliness

Sadness in the moment

I turned to walk away and suddenly

The man locked me in a loving embrace

Unassuming, perfect love

I could feel it in every cell

The world began to fade away

Brilliant light seemingly made of every color

Took over all of my senses and I felt

As if my heart would explode

Spiritual warmth washed over me

As cold reality slapped my face

And I was just lying there wondering

Where the fuck that came from

Eug

Fuckbook says on this day in 2007, me and the spouse person packed all of our shit into a uhaul and journeyed from Reno to Springfield. In the time since I've lived in a hotel three times, lost mostly every possession I had twice, moved around a bunch, seen shady shit and lost friends. I also met the most wonderful human being on earth, got adopted by his beautiful family, seen the gorgeous majesty of this place and have figured myself out in a profound way. I've made cash, lost cash, partied with the best and hung out with the worst. This place is in my blood, it's my home. It also chews up people and spits them out. Eh.

Here's to another 13 years. 

Myself

I am nothing but a cosmic traveler 

Stopped off on this unforgiving rock

Lessons wrapped in consciousness experienced 

Maybe a little subconscious too

Integration a somewhat necessity 

Although I'm not that good at it

I have this inexplicable charm 

This aura of adorable 

Kindness is my mantra simply 

Because it's the right thing to do 

For some reason society 

Pushes my spirit into defense

Angles of attack hiding behind shadow 

I feel pain and joy in equal measure

I'm afraid of the wounds of pleasure 

The over indulgences of connection 

I don't want to go too far 

And yet I thrive on validation 

I fear myself an imposter 

I become shrouded in loneliness 

Through walls of self design 

Myself

Bondage of a somewhat voluntary kind

Born of this place only of spirit

River of life flowing towards fate

I thought it was just stuff that happened

Patterns lost to my methods of escape

Here I am

Here I shall stay until

My function has been fulfilled

Voice lost in so many questions

Lost in the middle

I'm not going to get easy answers

Probably no answer at all

There is something sacred here

Something beautiful here

Dangerous here

Vortex hiding just underneath the surface

I perceive it but I don't understand

I am this thing but I don't recognize

Myself intertwined 

Psychic Shotgun

Lost in my own machinations

I heard shouting, vaguely

At first it was just background muttering

The usual noise of a busy street

The cacophony got stronger

Without warning, a psychic shotgun

Blasting right though my skull

Deep within I felt his distress

Visually present and oddly tactile

Something had snapped

Enveloping him in tightly wound chaos

I stood in silence

Wishing I could do anything

Hoping that maybe I could transmit

Some sort of calm

But I was dying too

And I'm not quite sure why

Talking

There is no support group

For perception labeled as disorder

It fucks me up and spits me out

But without it, I'd be just an after image

I've experienced the nothing

I know I can't live that way

I want to talk about this

That label, though

That overwhelming pressure

"Why can't you just be normal"

None of the this exists

Imagination and over emotional

I'm not sure which is worse

There has to be a reason

There has to be a purpose

Behind why I was born this way

Panic

I'm oddly running

From noise into different noise

Every single one of my senses

Burning and aching simultaneously

Time seems to slow down and speed up

I can't control my racing thoughts

Hands trembling, tears in my eyes

I never cry in public

Unfiltered panic I've not experienced

For at least an eternity

Depression my companion and protection

From the onslaught of perception

Soul of the water

Goddess nature, hear my silent scream

Fill me with your calm

Tell me I'm doing the right thing

Lead me into self acceptance

Away from the little death of fear

And the comfort of denial 

Escape

Top dollar, loose change

Looking down at the edge of deranged

Somewhat answer vaguely plain

So much bullshit up in the brain

Pharmaceutical antidote numbing the pain

Longing for the comfort of numb

Feeling the release coating the tongue

It almost feels in some way I've won

Sleep isn't the escape I've been promised

Can't expect much of unconscious

Intensity burning in all things but this

The mind is a refuge from the mind

Through disassociation hoping to find

Assurance of perhaps a particular kind

Leaving what little perception behind 

The Veil

Sensitivity isn't always a bag of roses

It isn't always a bag of trash

Like all things

The universal truth is somewhere in the middle

Caught in the push and pull

Speeding by, stars a blur

Ground moving obscenely slow

I could get out and push

I don't know the entire situation

And so I sit, strapped in

Illusion moving like a rocket

Paralyzed by too much information

I've given up my agency

Led around by a leash attached

A noose around my spirit

I could jump but then

I'd never see if I was right

Selfish

Beaten into submission

I've been told I should just listen

I'm in no position

To trust my intuition

My identity the subject of erasure

My emotions swelling under a glacier

Everyone so focused on the surface

Shouting thier purpose

I have this drive, this obsession

That pain is no possession

Taking on the lesson

When someone else is less than

Everyone seems to talk to me

Confide in me

Cry to me even lie to me

Even when speaking their truth

I choose to lose

Pieces of myself torn asunder

Lightning and thunder

I don't know who I am

Master plan

I'm the suffering martyr

My soul I'll barter

To heal the wounds and right the wrong

Singing the song

I'm glad to suffer so you don't

Then I try to speak up but I won't

Because this is the kiss of destiny

I exist only in this capacity

I'm suddenly feeling selfish

I can't continue to be this

I've been bleeding drip by drop

Holding up myself as a prop

A wall a fortress a place of refuge

It isn't a thing I thought I could refuse

Forgive me for being self serving

Forgive me for thinking I'm deserving

Forgive me for pulling back

For allowing some slack

The line isn't my own to tow

There's a glow I know

I can be my own mind again

Even though I don't know where to begin

It starts with me being selfish

And I'm fine with that

Perpetual

Uneven sidewalk

Measured steps one after the other

A journey I've taken a thousand times

Each and every instance

Different if only infinitesimal

Sometimes I notice

Sometimes I don't

Sometimes the repetitive motion

Is more important than the destination

Believe in numbers and it has all been done

Believe in spiritualism and it is an open book

Blank pages waiting for the existence of things

Sometimes being erased

Nipping at the very edge of progress

Defined by people

Thus flawed even if no one believes

Winners write the story

Passing down just one side

And the pendulum perpetual

Captures our audience 

Grandmother

Grandmother, can you hear me

Things have gone insane

The world you knew has vanished

Somehow, you prepared me for this

Your spirit will never fade

Through me your determination lives

Grandmother, can you hear me

In my heart and mind

You're always there

The kindness you embodied

The selfless love and affection

For all life

That part of the creator

You manifested on this world

To me you were perfection

Being of your blood and mind

I can only hope to honor your legacy

With my imperfect life

Grandmother, can you hear me

I'm praying through you

More than I ever said

You told me stories

Instilled in me a reverence for creation

The divine truth in all things

The innate perfection

Of every single being

I'm so far away from your bones

I can't connect in that way

It doesn't seem to matter because I know

You can hear me

The Wait

Something in my head is bleeding through

My eyes like cold steel

People give me polite deference

They usually do

Today feels abnormal

Maybe it is because I'm physically struggling

My limp feels more pronounced

I'm walking slower

Stopping to sit more often

It's the weight of a stomach ace, sure

There's something else

Heaviness on my soul I haven't felt before

Maybe I just didn't notice

Masks layered on masks layered on bandages

I'm giving myself something to do

I'm soaking up the winter sun

Escaping within myself is helpful

Still, I ache in this way

This way I can't begin to unravel

I can perceive I'm not alone

Equally soothing and equally sad

Loss is something never accustomed

The curse of living is talking about it

Mournful embrace an excuse

To see someone you never see

The irony of life

Missing someone until loss forces you together

And in the middle of the night

Silent tears ask the question

Why did I wait to say hello 

Unnamed

I feel like I've blown a fuse

Blind to the onslaught of emotional energy

It isn't as if they don't exist

They're boiling and flowing

Underneath the ice

Neuro pathways being permanently formed

I know I'm feeling something

My gut aches in that certain way

It's all so much television static

Trying to interpret patterns

The noise just overwhelms

Wave after wave of intense nothing

Peaks of sorrow cresting higher

Even though there isn't a storm

Day to day time goes by

Maybe the nothing will fade away

Guardian Angel

Inside my mind

There's a place I've been retreating to

It exists in meat space too

In my visions it is always sunrise

Or just the tickling of burning fog

The light cresting over the horizon

Trees reflecting in the still water

Sometimes, the walk there is slow

Deliberate and soothing

Sometimes I'm running from

Something I can never see

Regardless, when I arrive all is peaceful

The sun hitting my face

Energy lighting up every pore

Crisp, cool air filling my lungs

There always seems to be a hint of frost

Early spring or late autumn

I sit, the bench wet with dew

But it doesn't bother me

Instead a reminder

Of reality knocking at the door

After a time of quiet reflection

Someone always stops by

Sometimes it's my therapist

Sometimes my grandmother

Sometimes the avatar to the Goddess

Taking a form my mind can comprehend

And we talk until the sun begins to hang low again

And I am embraced

I start to cry because letting go is painful

And always

I am told it will be alright

I can visit any time I'd like

And she, whomever she

Will always be there to watch over me

Selfie

I tried to take a picture of myself

To let people know that I'm OK

But I'm not

Everything is coming out wrong

I see the depths of shadow in my eyes

Things I wish I could express

But I'm not sure it would come through

I'm in a unique space

Family situations I've become a part of

I don't have much choice

I don't lament my lot in life

I feel warmth in the healing of others

I feel joy in being there

My shoulders are weary

My knees are weak

I embrace a noble purpose

Healer, heal thyself

Impossible though it is

There was warmth in contact

A pure love underneath the veil

I wish it didn't be like that

But it do

I tried to take a picture of myself

But I'm really not OK

I can't lie to my own eyes

Reflecting pain

Built upon a lifetime of

Simply listening 

Empath

Reluctant, I absorb

Mostly everything thrown in my direction

It all gets tossed into a bin

Like a fire hose aimed at a teacup

Some of it is sorted

But I remember everything

Tied up in a ball

A million rubber bands all coalescing

Where one ends and another begins

I never can tell

Confessions and confidants

I won't give away your secrets

I'm not allowed to

And besides, who would I tell

This extraordinary life

This random convergence

Is beyond my ordinary description

Although I manage

Dredging some of it to the surface

Hoping someone understands

Resonance fades and understanding takes hold

For a nanosecond, someone else

Can see reality through my filter

Mad attempts at communicating

Serve my soul as well as provide context

Because, sometimes, often

I have no fucking idea 

Unconscious

I remember clouds

Ugly, gray, ominous

The wind blew from the western edge

Thunder grumbling in the distance

I stood in a parking lot

Situated a few hundred feet from a beach

That looked distressed, haunted

Driftwood mingling with various bits

Of lives long forgotten

There was a run-down van

And people I wasn't sure I knew

Or if it was just some trick of the mind

It started to rain

Heavy drops painfully cold

Someone said we should leave

The rain got heavier and the wind louder

My companion screaming into nothing

I struggled to hear while paralyzed

A wave came out of the darkness

My foot tangled in a web of force

Yanked out to sea

My lungs filled with water

Next thing I knew, I was staring at myself

Floating above my body

Lying on a cold, black surface

Even though I could see myself

I felt the cold against my skin

Felt the gravel press against my face

And the blood and tears

I howled into the black

Not sure what me I was hearing

My scream echoed in my ears

As reality manifested itself

Gangster

Back when weed was a forbidden commodity 

I knew this guy

He was foreign by birth and by attitude 

A criminal from a place where that sort of thing 

Was commonplace 

He talked a huge game 

Kind of surprised it wasn't his mouth 

That ended up killing him 

Grass wasn't his only thing 

And it seems once you dip into one black market 

You dive head first into all of them

One day he'd be dripping in money 

The next he's be begging for food

The cycle surrounding him

Like a cloak of shattered dreams 

I heard from somewhere 

He had some sort of college education 

And it was obvious 

The way he spoke, the way he knew things 

Some of it was the creative genius 

Of survival in the streets 

Formal education paid by blood money 

From a place he never talked about 

He was compassionate 

He never did me wrong and in a way 

I knew he liked and respected me

More than some

There was this darker side

This underbelly of deciet and lies

This mechanism of defense 

He was proud to commit murder 

If only unintentionally 

And there's no doubt in my mind 

That he'd turn on even me

If the price was right 

How much of that was mental illness 

How much of that was drugs 

How much of that was situational 

We stopped talking 

When I didn't have to deal with criminals to get high

He tried on social media 

But something told me I shouldn't 

The next I heard of him 

His mugshot was all over the news 

And I was sad

Then came unfortunate news of his death

Details that were speculation 

Even though I knew all the evil

I knew the good too

No one deserves an end like that 

There was argument amongst people 

Some called him garbage 

Some called him a saint

I just knew the guy

And that he was a brilliant human 

Taken out predictably 

In an unpredictable life

Network

A friend has passed away

Not the first time

I've seen myself through murder

Suicide, natural causes

Friends, family, my own child

The burden never is lighter

At my grandfather's funeral

No one dared to cry

Stoic silence is what I was taught

Through all this, I maintain

But I don't think that's healthy

I'm not even sure it's working anymore

Death comes for everyone eventually

Knowing this

Doesn't make it easier in the slightest

Sometimes I think connection makes it harder

You know instantaneously

No time to process

One day they're posting memes

The next, a family member

Taking on the burden

Of telling everyone they know

Friends, enemies, lurkers

Suddenly there's a gap

A missing piece

And sometimes the message goes unnoticed

And they're just not posting anymore

Months, years removed

You finally stumble on the news

And you feel like a total asshole

For not extending sympathy sooner

Death in the digital age is different

Yet it remains the same 

Stardust

This is where I end up

When I can't make sense of things

The spirits of the river

Intertwined with the smell of urban decay

Everyone is lost in thier own experiences

Some better off than others

We all are from ashes

And to dust we will all return

Problematic

I was 12

When I first realized

I was attracted to women

Of course I didn't understand nuance

Or subtlety

All I knew was that the idea of woman

In all respects

Was beautiful and something to be cherished

I didn't express this openly

I looked at pictures of the female form

Hidden in my room behind the glass of the internet

In the dark where no one would know or see

I dated guys

As expected of me

Even though I was treated like one of the bros

Approximately half of the time

My first kiss was with a boy

Who transitioned into a woman

Looking at the situation now

It makes total sense

I never felt comfortable being sexual with men

I tried to tell myself it was a phase

I hadn't met the right man

Except I did

Twice

And while I love the men in my life

And would lay down my existence

If it meant saving them

I don't feel that thing

That indescribable tingle deep inside

Beyond conscious thought

The problem is, I lose myself

I do stupid things because my mind

Gets twisted and mixed up

And that's why it never works

It's probably internalized misogynistic thoughts

Picked up from being raised half a boy

And a smattering of bullshit

I have no control over

So I try to exist and respect

Every individual because it's the right thing to do

But I'm still hung up on that first fleeting thought

A brief revelation

At 12 years old

Forbbidden

I remember holding her hand

Keeping it a secret

Feeling like no one would understand

Exploring teenage sexuality

This tidal wave of maybe, finally

Figuring out part of my identity

I didn't understand love

I really didn't understand affection

Here she was, beautiful

Forbidden

Toxic

Mine

Even though she never was

We met at night through snuck out windows

Moonlit encounters only we knew about

Hormonal pleasure and carnal urges

Satisfaction in all the wrong ways

She pulled every single string

My emotions her puppet, dancing

I'm not entirely sure she was conscious of it

I was, however, an experiment

Rebellion against a doctrine

And when it no longer served

I no longer served

I wasn't innocent

I did hurtful things

Driven by things inside myself that were unfamiliar

We both got what we deserved

I did love her

And in some twisted way

I still do

Overcome

There is a powerful truth

To being used to sadness

Used to hurt, used to despair and grief

Loss of friends, loss of lovers

Loss of children and mothers

Of a sense of security in routine things

Lives comforted by the mundane

The simple kiss of sunshine on your face

In the dead of darkest winter

Accustomed to the noise of the wailing

That is the curse of humanity

So aware of misery

Of mistakes and things that shouldn't happen

But they do

And we hurt because we've seen joy

We hurt because we know pleasure

Because we seek patterns where none dare to exist

Aching to embrace monotony

Spontaneous action prophesied our demise

So we sit in silence while suffering

Aching to do we know not what

But it isn't this

It isn't this 

Premonition

It was a rainy day in January

Standing on the roof of a familiar place

Emotions darkly absent

A blank page where my mind was supposed to be

I couldn't live this way any longer

Stubborn determination to live

Gave way to acceptance of death

Subjective circumstances and lack of reaction

I couldn't see past the fog

I was prepared

On that rain soaked precipice

To embrace a final solution

Fighting wasn't worth it

Swimming uphill through the swamp

Held no meaning

Spiritual core curiously disappeared 

This was where the final chapter ended

And then something pulled me back

An invisible hand manifested

In a simple push notification

"Appointment reminder: Brian, 2 PM"

I almost called to cancel

I almost threw my phone off the roof

Held in my hand

The gears in my head began to grind

And I realized I couldn't jump

Without at least an explanation

In the rain I walked to where I had to be

We didn't talk about it

I couldn't bring it up

But I think, deep in the subconscious

He knew 

Abuse

He woke up itching for a fight

My hubris gave him one

Even though it was unintentional

He called me a cunt

Again

He casually mentioned killing himself

Again

I silently put my armor on

As he raged in my direction

On my way out the door, he apologized

Again

How long has it been this way

I stepped into the cold

And I sighed and said

"I love you"

And I meant it but it hurts

I walked to the place

That I see in my pleasant dreams

Outside, the picture of calm

My chest hurts

And I feel this unfathomable pain inside

I'm sobbing, I'm screaming

But you couldn't really tell

I speak of this to no one

Because of some ingrained morality

I can't help, I can't make anything better

And maybe, that's what hurts the most

Neighbor

Shortly after my 9th birthday

we moved into a home in a subdivision

where every  house looked the same

I met the boy next door a couple of days after

He was younger, shy

but bristling with intelligence and humor

He might have been the first boy I fell in love with

Over summers, we spent most days together

talking about video games or role playing games or Depeche Mode 

they were his favorite band

Sometimes we fought with his older brother

or played tackle football in the yard

I never saw his mother much

she always seemed to be working

I heard something about a divorce but I didn't know

what that really meant 

His mom was often under the influence of alcohol

and she yelled at him constantly

Some days I'd knock on the door 

and she'd say he was grounded 

for some supposed slight

and so I'd knock on his bedroom window

which faced our yard

but was hidden by a fence

I'd sit on that fence and we'd talk for hours

Most of the time about nothing serious

Sometimes though, he'd trust me

with words about how he missed his dad

and how he loved his mother but

she was abusive while flush with drink

in 7th grade, a moving van showed up one day

and he was gone

Something about moving back to Carmel 

I never heard from him again

I tried to find him on the internet 

but I didn't have much luck

I'm not even sure I ever knew his real name

but I knew his story

and I knew I loved him

 

Closed Doors

 

Sometime in the first grade
I made friends with a girl who seemed a bit awkward
weird in an inexplicable way
but I didn't mind
I don't remember specific conversations
I do remember her intellect
her empathy
She didn't seem to mind me
Her birthday came around and I noticed
that she was sad
No one seemed to acknowledge the day
and I felt it was important
I spent my allowance on a gift
Thinking back, her acceptance of it held trepidation
a fear that I couldn't make sense of at the time
After school her mother came
and saw the gift
She yelled at the girl, grabbed her arm
Public violence was foreign to me
at least violence perpetuated by adults
I hid behind a building and observed
Deep sadness and anger burning in my gut
wishing I could do something
feeling that I was responsible
I think about it now and wonder with a sense of sadness
if that was happening
What was going on behind closed doors?

Dream Space

Absolute nothingness

Absence of not absence from

Floating in this comforting void

Feeling totally blank

Like the softest leather

Sinking slowly into the notion of the void

Peace absorbing into every pore

Even the womb held less power

God and Goddess exists in this space

Touching anti reality

Language

Staring at a screen, communication

Wants and needs and emotions

All tumbling forth, a flood

Sometimes it is too much

But you're there on the other side

I can feel the overwhelming energy

The love you have for me

Even though it probably isn't personal

It is, just a little bit

You and me, we've got this relationship

And it is something I don't understand

Everything has been complicated

Expectation lingering within every act

And there's this thing

When you say you love someone

People make it weird

Awkward

It changes the very nature of interaction

It really shouldn't, though

Love is pure emotion when not attached to things

Our spirits are connected in a way

And that usually doesn't happen without entanglement

But why does it have to be like that

Are we just afraid of love as a species

Afraid of deep attachment to transitory things

You can love someone forever

And not commit to forever

Experience the profound and beautiful capabilities

Of the human heart

Confession, I fucking love you

And I'm never going to not

You've awakened something in myself that I have never experienced

I was convinced that this is just the realm of romance

Of whispers in the dark

Truth is, I fake it

I have a romantic life because of memorization

And games I've been taught to play

This

This is something I feel with no context

Mingled in with respect and admiration and awe

For you as a fellow spirit

And that you've made me feel this way

In another life, we'd be friends

Family of a chosen type

But this is what the cosmos has decided

And I gotta say, I'm cool with that

Trending

Everyone is having children 

While denying the existence of others 

And they'll share pictures and hopes and dreams 

While convinced that if it isn't they 

It doesn't matter 

Children learn they aren't really wanted 

Accidental human souls

Learning at the breast of social media 

Suckling little nuance and complexity 

Learning much about nothing 

Rejoicing in triumphs from people far away 

Wishing for the simple act of human touch 

Realizing how much is missing 

Aching linger of what once was

Maybe the memory is the better part

Maybe none of it really existed 

Maybe it is all just digital homogeneous thought 

Touch the screen with longing and faith 

And the hope of loneliness less manifest 

Illusion of Inprisonment

There's a hand on my shoulder 

Pushing while gripping simultaneously 

I can feel his eyes on the back of my skull 

Glaring, judging 

His silence speaks volumes 

The smell of disinfectant mixes with fear 

It is bright with alarming shadow 

Steel mesh making patterns on the floor 

I can hear wailing in the distance 

Begging, pleading for help that will never be 

I'm shoved into what looks like a closet 

Steel covering a tiny window 

A door that could stop a bullet 

A cot on the wall

The only light, artificial 

The door slams shut and I start to cry

Standing in the middle of this unfamiliar place 

Eventually I lie down and attempt to sleep 

Has it been minutes? 

Has it been days? 

The door creaks open with an angry sigh 

Hands, powerful, callused, unfeeling 

Completely void of human energy 

I'm being drug again to somewhere 

It's a tile room, impossibly cold

With a drain on the floor 

I'm stripped naked

I hadn't noticed my clothes before 

But now their absence is frightening 

My skin reflects the artificial light 

Ice water assaults from every side 

Did I hear someone laugh? 

The cold burrows into my soul

This, this is how I die

It's over as quickly as it started 

Dripping in vulnerability, I am broken 

No one seems to notice 

I'm covered again in agonizing white 

It is itching from the inside 

I'm pushed into an office 

With an examination table 

And a bespectacled older man

His hair only just turning grey 

Impossibly kempt and perfect 

As if it wouldn't dare disobey 

He makes a non-committal noise 

As I'm being restrained 

Strapped by my arms and legs with leather and metal 

I'm crying again 

I'm hearing myself beg for mercy in a language I don't understand 

"We're just trying to help you"

There's a needle in my arm

I can feel something burning through my viens and into my chest 

Indescribable pain

My mind rapidly slipping away 

I'm fighting with every nuance of myself 

But the black is relentless 

The last thing I hear 

"we're just trying to help you"