Dream Space

Absolute nothingness

Absence of not absence from

Floating in this comforting void

Feeling totally blank

Like the softest leather

Sinking slowly into the notion of the void

Peace absorbing into every pore

Even the womb held less power

God and Goddess exists in this space

Touching anti reality

Language

Staring at a screen, communication

Wants and needs and emotions

All tumbling forth, a flood

Sometimes it is too much

But you're there on the other side

I can feel the overwhelming energy

The love you have for me

Even though it probably isn't personal

It is, just a little bit

You and me, we've got this relationship

And it is something I don't understand

Everything has been complicated

Expectation lingering within every act

And there's this thing

When you say you love someone

People make it weird

Awkward

It changes the very nature of interaction

It really shouldn't, though

Love is pure emotion when not attached to things

Our spirits are connected in a way

And that usually doesn't happen without entanglement

But why does it have to be like that

Are we just afraid of love as a species

Afraid of deep attachment to transitory things

You can love someone forever

And not commit to forever

Experience the profound and beautiful capabilities

Of the human heart

Confession, I fucking love you

And I'm never going to not

You've awakened something in myself that I have never experienced

I was convinced that this is just the realm of romance

Of whispers in the dark

Truth is, I fake it

I have a romantic life because of memorization

And games I've been taught to play

This

This is something I feel with no context

Mingled in with respect and admiration and awe

For you as a fellow spirit

And that you've made me feel this way

In another life, we'd be friends

Family of a chosen type

But this is what the cosmos has decided

And I gotta say, I'm cool with that

Trending

Everyone is having children 

While denying the existence of others 

And they'll share pictures and hopes and dreams 

While convinced that if it isn't they 

It doesn't matter 

Children learn they aren't really wanted 

Accidental human souls

Learning at the breast of social media 

Suckling little nuance and complexity 

Learning much about nothing 

Rejoicing in triumphs from people far away 

Wishing for the simple act of human touch 

Realizing how much is missing 

Aching linger of what once was

Maybe the memory is the better part

Maybe none of it really existed 

Maybe it is all just digital homogeneous thought 

Touch the screen with longing and faith 

And the hope of loneliness less manifest 

Illusion of Inprisonment

There's a hand on my shoulder 

Pushing while gripping simultaneously 

I can feel his eyes on the back of my skull 

Glaring, judging 

His silence speaks volumes 

The smell of disinfectant mixes with fear 

It is bright with alarming shadow 

Steel mesh making patterns on the floor 

I can hear wailing in the distance 

Begging, pleading for help that will never be 

I'm shoved into what looks like a closet 

Steel covering a tiny window 

A door that could stop a bullet 

A cot on the wall

The only light, artificial 

The door slams shut and I start to cry

Standing in the middle of this unfamiliar place 

Eventually I lie down and attempt to sleep 

Has it been minutes? 

Has it been days? 

The door creaks open with an angry sigh 

Hands, powerful, callused, unfeeling 

Completely void of human energy 

I'm being drug again to somewhere 

It's a tile room, impossibly cold

With a drain on the floor 

I'm stripped naked

I hadn't noticed my clothes before 

But now their absence is frightening 

My skin reflects the artificial light 

Ice water assaults from every side 

Did I hear someone laugh? 

The cold burrows into my soul

This, this is how I die

It's over as quickly as it started 

Dripping in vulnerability, I am broken 

No one seems to notice 

I'm covered again in agonizing white 

It is itching from the inside 

I'm pushed into an office 

With an examination table 

And a bespectacled older man

His hair only just turning grey 

Impossibly kempt and perfect 

As if it wouldn't dare disobey 

He makes a non-committal noise 

As I'm being restrained 

Strapped by my arms and legs with leather and metal 

I'm crying again 

I'm hearing myself beg for mercy in a language I don't understand 

"We're just trying to help you"

There's a needle in my arm

I can feel something burning through my viens and into my chest 

Indescribable pain

My mind rapidly slipping away 

I'm fighting with every nuance of myself 

But the black is relentless 

The last thing I hear 

"we're just trying to help you" 

Faith

Roads traveled in unmeasured distance

Disturbance mingled with persistence 

This unyielding drive to survive 

I'm alive for a purpose unknown 

Through stumbling I've grown 

Admittedly the struggle sometimes isn't worth the pain

Insane while constrained 

Framed within the four walls of perception 

Blaring misconception ringing inside my head

I should realistically be dead

This existence I never asked for

But I embrace it like an obsession 

A confession of being addicted to the lesson 

I'm absorbing information by the nanosecond 

I don't comprehend it all but then I recall 

Things I vaguely perceive 

Believe in the absolute nothingness in every molecule 

But there's madness to this method

Purpose driven only as an explanation 

Real

It is bright but impossibly cold

I can feel the chill through my bones 

The colors of autumn exploding all around 

I'm sitting on a cold surface 

Looking down from a hill of grass

An emerald contrast against everything else

Internal whisper a knot in my gut

A fist gripping my heart

Cold as iron, I can feel every finger 

I close my eyes and try to focus 

Beauty mingling with my absolute dispair 

Suddenly, another human presence next to me 

I say "I'm glad you could be here" 

She let's my voice linger for a moment 

"There's comfort in the transitory" 

I agree, but with a tone that says

I'm not happy about it

"You know things always happen eventually" 

She replies with a hint of humor 

I catch myself smiling while a tear absentmindedly tumbles away 

She knows but neither of us notice 

We banter for a while 

The topic of conversation nebulous and free flowing 

There isn't really a point but that's OK 

The sun moves a little bit 

And I know that the moment is ending 

I mutter a random curse word

And then she takes me into her arms

Motherly comfort that I didn't realize I missed 

Free of expectations and awkwardness 

Pure love on a soul level 

Existing for the sake of it

I start to cry, softly at first 

But then I'm sobbing with uncontrollable emotion 

"I don't know if I'm ready for this" 

"You were always ready" 

And then, I wake up somewhere else

Blind

Yet again I awaken from eternal sleep 

There is evidence of how long I weep

Ebodied within fallen signs

Madness consumes and blurring lines 

I find I'm blind I didn't notice 

The slow progression of losing focus 

And when I open my eyes it's a blur 

Any explanation seems absurd 

When I tell myself I'll be alright 

Prepare for a fight only at night 

Where I wrestle with haunted dreams 

Sometimes it seems just an end to a means

I'll sob internally so no one can see

I'll be the hero of my own fable

Until I'm able to trend towards stable 

And eternal rest

Haunts my waking memory no more 

Can't

I'm notorious for ghosting myself

I'll disappear into oblivion 

I want to be all things 

Supportive, especially now

But sometimes 

I just can't 

The sign says closed 

I become a shadow 

An observer

I feel sadness of ineffectual

A deep sense of pain 

But I realize 

I can't 

Catching Feelings

At first I didn't notice 

Relationships in my head

Develop in their own time

People talk about love languages 

And I'm illiterate 

I exist to love people 

To care about anyone who shows me kindness 

I try to navigate 

To tailor my feelings to the situation 

And... 

I can't

Love is just love 

Actions have boundaries and of that 

I have total agency 

I understand the nuances of categories 

I embrace them as I've been taught 

Inside my heart and inside my head

If I love, I care

There's no layers, no hidden agenda 

I'm starting to question my deeper understanding 

I confess my love more

Not to cross a line 

But to try and help myself understand 

This emotion I feel for many 

This emotion I've been kicked into limiting 

If I've loved you, I still do

Even if you've abused me

Even if you hate me

Even if you can't for whatever reason 

It doesn't matter 

Once the switch flips, it is on forever 

Am I lucky 

Am I just too emotionally charged 

Sensitive becomes a pejorative 

Maybe it would be healthy if I could let go

But that isn't the way my heart works

First

In darkness I developed consciousness 

My first thoughts were of cold

Of feeling alone

Vague sounds of machinery 

And whispered concern 

I didn't understand but I was afraid 

I was missing comforting hands

Sterile odor assaulting my senses 

I'm not sure why

This memory is still so persistent 

I dream of the loneliness 

The total sense of black

The mechanical noises and worried hands

The pain

Sometimes I return to my own mind 

And my throat is sore

Was I sobbing

Or was it only in my memory? 

Ocean

My family took a trip to Washington 

Traveling up the coastal highway 

I was but a small child, fascinated 

With all the things I'd never seen before 

On a cloudy day we stopped 

To observe a beach somewhere 

On the Oregon coast 

It was a cloudy day, cold

The wind and waves a symphony 

To my innocent desert heart 

I wandered away from my parents 

The danger of oblivion so close 

But I didn't know that type of danger

The wave caught my foot

And swept me away in an instant 

Everything became absolute chaos 

I couldn't breathe

I didn't know where I was

In mere moments I touched the face of death 

Time lingered towards eternity 

As I slipped away 

An invisible hand seemed to tighten around me 

I heard a voice, loud yet gentle 

Without gender, without identity 

"Not yet" 

The rumbling vortex spat me on the shore 

I laid there, sputtering, confused 

I stood up as my parents rushed to me

And I smiled at them 

As if nothing had happened 

Object

When I was around ten or eleven 

A man my mother knew 

Showed up at our door, presumably 

To pick my brother up

He said things

I was uncomfortable but I didn't know why 

He gave me a necklace 

Told me I was pretty 

He touched my face and I remember 

Feeling like my stomach was crawling 

Out of my body

I didn't know how to respond 

I think I cried silently 

I'm sure I was accused 

Of being too emotional 

Of taking things the wrong way 

He was just being friendly 

I couldn't look at that necklace without revulsion 

But I kept it

Because he was just being nice 

Box

I live in a box

Made of steel and various plastic bits

It is warm and the bed is comfortable 

It is situated 

In a park with other boxes 

Other humans existing as best as they can 

Sometimes I'll go for a walk 

And a box will have vanished 

And I can't help but wonder 

Will anyone ask

When my box disappears? 

Reborn

Here I exist in contemplation 

Burning with singular anticipation 

Wondering why I be

Questioning the whole of me

I've been me the entire time 

Down the line I'll be fine

But for now I'm in a state of flux 

Stuck 

Between burnout and revelation 

Spiritual focus and sense of purpose 

Swirling nebula making me nervous 

I realize my unhealthy habitual state

I can relate, I've seen this show before 

I'll adore, I'll implore, I'll explore 

This sense of overwhelming sync

It's all really random I think 

Is the dice controlled by an invisible hand

Change the direction with a sincere demand 

Prayers are an illusion without the intent 

Hell bent heaven sent

How can we possibly be sure

Humans aren't pure

But we try to survive as a tribe

And we imbibe all the easy answers 

And try to avoid our collective cancers 

I'm six feet deep and I'll creep

Until I figure out how the noise 

Puzzels out a pattern in the void

Episode of a Thing #3: Recovery

Confessions and stuff.

Episode of a Thing #2 - Uplift

Episode 2 of the ol thing.