Musings part two (3/28/2020)

First off, again I want to thank all of you that has reached out to me. It means a lot knowing that I mean a great deal to so many and I am 100% grateful that I have a network of wonderful humans that will go to bat for me. As usual, I don't expect it but that's because my depression tells me that no one gives a crap about me. Intellectually, I know this to be untrue. Secondly, I feel bad for posting about a situation with not a lot of historical context. I've been with my partner for a long time. I went into the relationship very aware of the damage. To be fair, I was a hot mess at the beginning of it too. I was abusive (in different ways but still) and did absolutely nothing to help the situation because I was dealing with my own stupid crap. We've been through a lot (losing a child together, basically losing our living child and the court shit involved, housing shit, job shit etc) and even though we are both of us damaged people, we supported each other as best as we could. Now, things are coming up because A he realizes that he's been toxic to more people than just me (I just happen to be in close proximity but this doesn't mean it's happening to me exclusively) and B I actually listen. His social life for the longest time has been dealing with fuckstains on the internet. I'm lucky. I get support from people online, mostly because I actually KNOW people. I talk to people I've been friends with for years. Thanks to his mother, and the fact that he developed early friendships in a totally toxic environment, he doesn't have anyone he's known forever....besides me. All the friends we knew back in Nevada have ghosted (shit, I don't talk to anyone from back in those days either. Eh?) I am literally the ONLY person that hasn't abandoned him for being "toxic" and to be totally fair, the only toxic thing he does is not feel joy in anything and he radiates that. It is bitterness, it is pain and it is trauma manifest. Trust me when I say it only bothers me because I dislike seeing people not get joy out of life. I in no way feel like he is trying to suck the joy out of my life. Sure I feel the resentment in my direction but he's never done anything to stop me from doing what I do other than when I was making an obviously irrational decision. He admitted his feelings about feeling trapped from a place of trust in me (and I pointedly asked). When someone is miserable about literally everything, it's kind of shitty to ask "why are you doing it then?" It's easy to move on to a greener pasture...if it actually exists. He's had the opportunity, honestly. But...the real problem is people jumping ship when they figure out he's kind of a joyless ass. I DO NOT SEE THIS AS ABUSE. He's never ever projected it on to me in a way where I feel like I can't be happy. I fight with my own demons and yeah that makes me an asshole at times too. I have the advantage of being able to talk to other people and be heard. All he gets is a mountain of crap especially lately with all this cancellation of "toxicity." Ditch toxic people because they are hard to deal with. Abandon them even though the trauma response isn't personal. I am NOT going to do that. This isn't because he's manipulating me into it, it isn't because he's some sort of huge dick clown pulling my strings. I am my own human being. I'm also not going to prove his parents right by bailing, especially now that he is at a place where he is getting comfortable with the idea of getting some professional help. Yes, I get butthurt at times. But it's just the stress of caring for someone and it doesn't define me. Sometimes I blow off steam, and that is OK. To emphasize again, I do not feel like a victim at all. Not the slightest bit. I don't feel manipulated into anything. Externally, I can see why people would be concerned over this and my previous post didn't paint a rosy picture. At the same time, ever since I met the guy, his "friends" have systematically been impatient and people I know have told me to "ditch the loser." You know how that makes me feel? Like total shit. Like I am incapable of making a decision to be with a person because of some manipulative horse crap. Full stop, my choice to stick with him is 100% mine. Again, this is not to say I don't appreciate the concern in my direction because it comes from a place of love, respect and the desire to see that I am not suffering. I'm glad people have that kind of love and respect for me as a human being. All that being said: I'm not getting a divorce. I'm not kicking him out (I wouldn't even if it was my exclusive decision and it isn't. I do have another partner to consider.) I will be there to help him get help. I just have to admit that I just can't be his sole emotional support because it isn't healthy for either of us. I can listen though and not take his healing personally. Too often in relationships, people make it about them. Every behavior is some sort of personal thing. It isn't. Realizing that people in a relationship are SEPARATE people is huge. Individual humans sharing a situation, not people merging into one mass. That two (or more) souls becoming one narrative concerning romance is total horse crap (no offense to anyone intended).
So yeah. I love you, I do. But...I don't need saving. I'll bitch because it is cathartic. Realize though I am only one side of this very multi-faceted situation. I know, I'll come off like a victim sometimes but that isn't my intent.
I am OK. I will be OK. Proximity is just making it easier to have conversations that I have avoided.
Thank you all for understanding, support and love. 

Musings (3.27/2020)

So...it isn't exactly a secret that my partner suffered some extreme trauma growing up. The level of fucked up from his parents and peers is really extreme. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, institutional abuse...it's all there. Over the years, I've learned how to not take trauma responses personally and have *tried* to be helpful in any way I can, simply because I know that none of this is my fault. I, however, am not a professional. I am somewhat trained as I have read a bajillion books and articles and have taken several classes. I do want to go into some sort of counseling work someday too. But...there is something extremely difficult about being close to someone and living through trauma with someone that makes a therapeutic relationship difficult. Also...it's been long enough that I am just repeating myself. On top of that, I found out that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him. At. All. This hurts. I'm supportive because of love (and a little bit of loyalty, I am stubborn as hell). He's here because he has no where else to go. I'm the only person that puts up with him, especially long term. If he had his way, he'd be gone. I *think* some of it is a sense of feeling badly about burdening me with his problems and thinking that he's ruining my life. He's not. Taking care of him doesn't bother me at all. Sure, getting venom spit in my direction sucks a lot and sometimes it feels like he is blaming me but again I know it's a trauma response. He's at a giving up phase again which is sad. There's doubly nothing I can do. Usually when this happens, it's because things are stable. He's afraid of things going right. He's also afraid of being happy and deriving joy out of ANYTHING. I'm a joyful person by default. I have to be. It's a response to my own trauma. If I can't be joyful about things and find the silver lining in crappy situations, it makes me incredibly sad. I fight my depression and anxiety with joy. He fights his by making everyone around him suffer. I KNOW this but I've stuck with it because I keep hoping maybe my fun will rub off. Now I find out that it has been making him feel worse and that he resents me for being happy at all ever. I guess at this point I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't like giving up on people but at the same time, I'm just fucking done. There is literally nothing I can do to help. All of my coping techniques are failing. On the one hand, him admitting he is a narcissist is a good step. On the other hand, I've been living with this for...18 years? At what point does loyalty end? The get help or I'm gone ultimatum (or any ultimatum) isn't going to do jack shit. He responds worse to ultimatums than anything else. So...yeah. Tough love isn't in any way useful. It will make him slip further into his own shit hole. It also wouldn't be fair at all to punt him to the streets especially now. What I really want to do is hang his mother up by her ankles and tell her to fucking fix the royal fuck up but that isn't gonna happen. In patient therapy isn't going to happen even though I truly believe that at this point he will find some way to kill himself. I don't want that to happen but...there is literally no help especially now. Yes, I am 100% going to discuss this with my therapist. No, I'm really not looking for advice. I'm putting this out there to A remember to discuss it further with a professional and B to get it off my chest. Yeah...so that's where I'm at right now. Not being able to really go anywhere either because of the current situation super helps.
Fickity fickity fuck.