Abundance

There's an exhaustion on my back

that pain in between my shoulders

a headache blurring my vision

and a dull ache in my heart

The loss of another soul in the news

and someone else a victim of violence 

lives taken away by the street 

I'm painfully aware of things 

I'm not sure if there's a darker cloud 

or if I'm just feeling more reality 

There's also this golden beauty 

an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude 

the outpouring of support 

shining through the shattered glass

I ache through every single fiber of my soul 

it helps to know I'm not alone 

but I cry for every human 

that hurts as bad as I do 

I put my hope in solidarity 

and the good intentions of friendship 

maybe we'll make it through 

one day at a time 

Dreamless Whisper

There was a time where

I had these broken dreams

of the lingering memories of Eden

Personal heaven and boundless joy

feelings of the intimacy between 

the great mother and her imperfect creation 

I can almost grasp the ecstacy 

almost percieve the formless emotions 

becoming the emptiness of being unborn 

and then I'm suddenly awake

aware of the imperceptible darkness 

crushing my chest and grasping 

my brain in an icy vice 

Sleeping becomes a refuge 

even though the veil is transitory 

an illusion conceived as a mechanism of defense 

I'll dream about suicide 

and while in the middle of terror 

my heart pounds mournfully 

sweat on my brow 

while I silently and simultaneously wish

the nightmare was real

Last Rites

One of the first things I remember

is the voice of a gentle man 

a holy man both in word and deed

Even as a newly emergent life

I could feel his connection to God

he was there to guide me

back to the creator energy from where I came

but the universe had other plans

I've stood in that place 

several times since 

even though I could just slip away 

the overpowering whim of self preservation 

takes control and subconsciously 

I fight for every single breath 

while I'll live every moment as if it's my last 

pretending that every meal is the last

every conversation lingering 

meaningful because it could be the last

I fantasize about killing myself 

taking agency over a thing 

that I don't really control 

because deep down I know 

when it ends there won't be preamble 

some grandiose event or even a warning 

I'll just stop

flicker out like a candle 

Maybe I obsess because lately 

it seems like I'm constantly touched 

by some sort of loss

painfully aware of the fragility of it all

Maybe I'm just tired 

of seeing my own death in my dreams 

Maybe it's just noise 

Indulge

Ninety days ago I made a decision

to quit dulling my senses

to stop with the alcohol 

and open myself up to things 

that I've been avoiding most of my life 

There's definitely a better sense of purpose 

a clarity of emotional energy

not necessarily a better picture 

but at least I see the picture now 

More of a physical feeling 

my entire body vibrating with the sound 

of the throbbing pulse of reality 

People existing and broadcasting 

I'm absorbing it all

and it is a beautiful thing 

to be able to observe and interpret 

so many different layers and nuance 

At the same time 

I'm drowning in this nebula 

too many things are hitting all at once 

I'm processing like a road flare 

and I'm going to burn out

sooner rather than later 

The floodgates remain fully open 

I pour this confusion into things 

items for consumption bit by bit

the audience sees the finale 

but not the entire production 

I don't trust anyone with the process 

but I hope what I put out there is enough 

when the light fades away 

Faded Exhausted

A joint burns lazily

I'm typing something or 

Playing music or

I'm taking a picture or video 

fully engaged with telling some sort of story

I'm always somewhere doing something 

even asleep I am caught in the middle 

Lately things have been more nebulous 

pulling the meaning from the images 

is harder and paradoxically easier 

When I'm awake I feel as if I'm asleep 

sleeping feels like running through wet cement uphill 

Exhaustion on my back and pulling my feet 

I'm drowning in myself

and this obsession to keep up the projection 

It's easy to stay unharmed 

If all I put out there is a hologram 

myself interpreted into being 

Deep inside there's this block of ice

pain I can describe 

but I never really let go

I wonder if I'll ever know new reality 

or if I'll keep up this spinning tale

until I breathe no more 

and people struggle with identification 

speaking for me

even though my entire being

is wrapped up in speaking for myself 

Wandering

Frosted grass shines brightly

in the icy sunlight of a partly cloudy day 

I combine people watching with 

my mundane errands

Observing the continued lunacy 

of humans bouncing off of each other 

The great Goddess of nature 

abundant with life and beauty 

even in the coldest of times 

Contrasting with too many souls 

caught in a situation 

or most likely, a series of situations

thier tents a multicolored backdrop 

against pillars of concrete 

Some seem almost jovial 

drinking beer and smoking weed

celebrating the fact that it isn't raining 

right now 

Others are clearly suffering 

experiencing the worst times of their lives 

A cacophony of emotional noise 

songs in the confusion 

confusion in the clarity 

the only thing I'm sure of

is that I feel it in my bones 

That ache deep inside my skull 

all the way through my feet 

I don't know what keeps me walking 

passing through all the places 

exposing myself to heartache

It's probably the optimism 

that thread of hope that lingers 

even though things seem hopeless 

And maybe this is the end of days

we might as well enjoy it 

Overexposure

I put myself out there

tip toe neck deep into discussions

I live and breathe to share my experiences 

not because I want attention 

but because I hope it helps

another human being to know 

they are not alone 

Nothing is a perfect circle 

sometimes my words have the opposite effect 

Someone gets defensive 

and they lash out

I'll admit to getting a bit snarky 

and saying things that are questionably funny 

Most often and at my core 

I try to be sincere and honest 

There are days I tell my stories 

where people will question my perception 

as if I'm not a witness 

to my own perception 

I'm wrong in my interpretation 

of life I've lived 

all I can do is say what I know 

and correct myself if presented 

with contradiction and further knowledge 

But you can't fucking tell me

That I'm missing the point 

when I say I've been abused 

when I say I've been hurt 

when I say some things just ache

for no reason you can understand 

It isn't my job to convince you 

of the reality of the situation 

all I can do is tell my version of the truth 

The Season

Depression has a foothold

on the shores of my innermost thoughts

Partial sun trying to cut through the gloom

an allegory of how happy I am

even though I ache with sadness

Everything seems out of focus

a subtle blur of vision

that might not even be real

but it feels real enough

I feel like screaming at the sky

while simultaneously wanting and wishing

I could sink completely into myself

The great mother, she comforts me

loving me even though the season is harsh

Dark winter always giving way

to the eternal warmth of spring

Yet I am tempted so tempted

to give up on myself

to give into that nagging urge

of self destructive behavior

even though I'm already killing myself

just slowly and in not so obvious ways

I love life, don't get me wrong

it is that back and forth

That keeps me walking forward

hoping for another breath another heartbeat

just so I can experience once more

Unfortunate News

As with everything lately

I heard about it on social media 

An acquaintance had passed away 

someone I didn't really know 

but he was a friend to many friends 

and I remember him being cool

the few times we met

The outpouring of concern is comforting 

support manifesting in amazing ways

an odd contrast to the vitriol 

flowing through the social veins 

Then in the same fucking breath 

Someone said that a degenerate 

had stolen from a dead man

potentially someone who had been 

supportive from a distance 

I really have no idea 

I'm not really involved at all 

but I ache the same regardless

Quarantine

I wasn't in a bad place

humanity a low din in the back of my mind 

laughing, joking, accepting quietly 

the tragic hilarity that is right now 

I had to get some kind of food

I've been living on trash perpetually 

indulging in the isolation 

avoiding what interaction is somewhat allowed 

As I entered the store

I felt a rush of distant nausea 

my mask weighing more than usual 

suddenly aware of prying eyes

and an abundance of anger and frustration 

I knew exactly what I wanted

but my mind was scrambled 

with the untidy feelings in the room

Everyone was in some sort of hurry 

I ended up with a dull pain 

right between my eyes 

and my heart felt like it was being squeezed

by a hot iron fist

I couldn't get out of there fast enough 

practiced calm belaying no indication 

of the extremes simmering internally 

I went back home and crawled inside 

my unhealthy food and other vices 

Staring at a familiar work of fiction 

glad to be away from it again 

sad that there's no real escape 

wishing I could blip completely out

only for a few moments in time 

Peak Bullshit

It was right around the end of December

an unusually snowy winter 

The tree out front had fallen in a storm

and still laid angrily and awkwardly 

waiting to be attended to

Early in the morning 

I was shaken from a deep sleep 

by a deafening silence 

Panic and disorientation knotted my gut

until I realized that the power 

had been unceremoniously cut off

They warned us by letter

sometime last week but

between the stress of work

and dejected hopelessness of the situation 

the message was mostly ignored 

except for the nagging feeling of doom

that had become daily life

We went about our day

and reconnected that night

The crushing darkness made more profound 

by the creeping feeling of cold

We ended up getting a generator 

a small thing not meant for powering a house 

to run a space heater and an igloo cooler

we managed to convert into a makeshift fridge 

and chargers for our phones 

the only connection to the outside world 

Sometimes the cold was too much 

risking torching our entire existence 

we would light a fire

in a fireplace that wasn't at all up to code 

consisting of paper trash

and damp remnants from the tree out front 

The constant silence was maddening 

and the generator had to rest 

several times a day

I didn't shower for a month 

smelling like burning paper and cold sweat 

I'm sure people noticed 

In the middle of another frozen night 

I ate cold clam chowder from a can

and I remember thinking 

This is what peak bullshit feels like 

Ten Minutes

I'm standing here, waiting

the first angry drops of rain 

demonstrating how much this shelter sucks 

There's a rough looking old man

eating ice cream with a painting knife 

and a teen hitting a vape pen

It's cold

Winter not letting anyone forget 

I feel a million eyes stare 

paranoid as I hide my face 

In a blink the bus is here

another blip seared into my head 

Street

There's something in the air today

a throbbing pain humming loudly

a song I know but don't want to hear

The downtrodden gather 

on rainy street corners, smoking 

yelling at nothing and each other 

There's the discarded remnants 

of a home pregnancy test 

scattered in front of the public toilet 

As I try to eat something 

I get a a schizophrenic ping from the blur 

I knew what he wanted 

somehow in that moment we spoke 

the same awkward language 

He wandered off mumbling to himself 

the remains of the conversation 

ringing inside my soul

I'm anxious now, nervous 

surrounded by the winter street 

People pass by wearing luxury 

turning their heads away 

and I light a joint and pick a direction 

stepping further into the flood

Haunted

I've always been fascinated

by haunted abandoned places 

areas where humanity abandoned roots

leaving walls to melt away with time 

I make it a sport to ignore 

no trespassing sings 

suggestions made in the guise of safety 

In Staunton there were crypts 

monuments to the dead behind creaking gates

and just as many churches dedicated 

to decaying Christian sects 

On campus there was a cathedral of sorts

an impossibly old building not often used

the cross of Christ on display yet 

collecting dust glowering above a Bible 

seldom touched 

I found the place quite by accident 

on one of my many escapist walks

I'd go there to pray to a pagan god 

and ask redemption of Jesus 

One night I went to her and asked

if she wanted to see something cool

she trusted me and I led her 

to the dusty tomb

For some reason it wasn't on any map

She of course was fascinated with the history 

I was overjoyed at sharing my discovery 

After discussing Bible passages 

her an atheist rooted in scientific methods 

myself a pagan raised by Christians

we kissed deeply in the pale light 

beaming through stained glass

the glower of the cross an aphrodisiac of sorts

I don't remember what happened next

the moment overwhelming time

I remember that kiss

I remember feeling like her spirit 

intertwined with mine

I remember perfection manifest again 

wishing I could pause reality again 

and something in the back of my mind 

told me that this was way too beautiful 

for me to ever hope to keep

Trauma Bond

I had never lived with anyone

except my parents and brothers 

I had no idea what to expect 

and knew less about what I was doing 

After a somewhat emotional weekend 

of buying things I couldn't take with me

I was unceremoniously placed

in a third floor room paired with

someone I had never met

She was tall, intimidating 

raven black hair and a fererce spirit 

When it came to integration 

we both were outcasts 

Pagans in an overtly Christian bubble 

We bonded through the occult knowledge 

of being old souls 

She had this boyfriend 

I didn't like the guy even though 

he was a man of standing 

They would have loud sex

while I pretended to sleep 

Sometimes I wake up from a deep sleep 

hearing them moaning and growling 

It made me feel sick

I said nothing because I didn't want

to be a prude and have them dislike me

One time he had me drive his Bronco

up and down the unfamiliar highways 

while they loudly fucked in the back

They paid me quite a bit of money 

I still felt a little bit slimy over the whole thing 

One day she said she couldn't take it

In a drunken rage she took an army scalpel 

sunk it into her wrist, deep

Blood was everywhere 

I froze in horror 

I had never seen something so drastic 

And then I swear on all things holy 

I watched the wound close in seconds

only a small amount of blood remained 

She screamed at me

"see what I fucking have to deal with?" 

She ran out of the room 

and I never saw her again

Her belongings scattered all over the room 

preserved for months until they figured out 

She wasn't coming back

I stayed in that room alone 

until I was assigned somewhere else

The vague suggestion of suicide 

haunting the space eternally 

A Date

It was somewhere near Valantine's day

I bought tickets to a performance

of A Midsummer Night's Dream

Nothing terribly extravagant 

There were no costumes and the stage 

was a box shaped outline

taped to a gymnasium floor

several rows of folded chairs arranged 

haphazardly around the room 

I held her hand as I tried to pretend 

to pay attention to the story 

although I was staring at her 

more than at the actors 

Beforehand, we had gone to dinner 

and I had ordered her my favorite thing 

she seemed to enjoy it

I had trouble focusing on food 

her radiant warmth capturing my attention 

The play went by in a blur 

suddenly we were walking 

in the frozen moonlight hand in hand

She was taken by the stars 

the way the dew on the grass shimmered 

the lights of sleeping buildings 

glowing in the dark

I was taken by her

the essence and beauty of her

glowing in this otherworldly way

We stopped as she pointed out 

a random cluster of stars

I turned and looked into her eyes 

and eventually she stared into me 

Time seemed to stop and in that moment 

I was close to perfection 

I could die right then and there

and be absolutely happy 

Timidly, I kissed her lips

At first she pulled away and was afraid 

I had misread the entire situation 

But then she gently, ever so slightly 

leaned into my body 

I didn't take it any further 

I couldn't take it any further 

I may have said that I loved her

or maybe I was just thinking it loudly 

I walked her back to her dorm

silent except for my pounding heart 

She kissed my cheek and bounced inside 

I don't know how long I stood outside 

consumed by a burning wish 

that I could just hold her again 

It might have been hours

it probably was mere minutes 

All too quickly I was in my room 

that chick I lived with snoring 

loudly in the corner

The angry glow of a computer 

bathing a single tear in bright white 

Absolutes

Today I felt fucking angry

a deep, pulsing irritation aimed 

at everything and everyone 

The situation is getting old

but then something stuck between mindless scrolling 

reminded me of a party

A simple gathering one bright May day

Thinking about it makes me feel

warmth on my skin and joy in my heart 

cutting through seasonal gloom

My friends were there 

coming together from all corners 

One friend was visiting from England 

out of all the parties and social bullshit 

he decided to visit me 

He wished me a happy birthday 

and gave me the sincerest hug

I remember the moment in beautiful detail 

the fragrance of his humanity 

birds singing over the music 

everything coalescing into perfection 

He smoked with me and we talked

I love the sound of his voice 

The memory cuts through the gloom 

shining a light into the cavern 

that has become routine 

and I can't stop myself from smiling 

These are the moments 

the profound epiphany of happiness 

exemplary examples of radiant joy

Transitory though they are 

they make the sadness ache a little less 

the anger burn a little less

the burden of sensory perception a little lighter 

Even though I ache in this moment 

I feel like it is all been worth it 

Bonding

People often interact with me

in times of emotional intensity 

it doesn't really matter the direction 

good or bad or positive or negative 

it all stings just the same

I wonder if there is a baseline 

or if there is something about me

that makes it so I'm trusted 

with so much vulnerability

I have to say I'm honored but

at the same time I'm deeply sad

because it seems like I'm drowning in extremes 

and it seems like intensity is all I have 

bonding through trauma of triumph 

and the triumph of trauma 

The river of friendship running ice cold

when the mundane settles in

Soul Need

Deep in the pit of my stomach

there is an ache I feel in my spirit

Waking hours filled with darkness 

this nebulous sadness 

I've been ignoring it at least externally 

Avoiding discussions or acknowledgement 

pushing it aside because 

there is an abundance of connections 

My life blessed with companionship 

so many people feel love 

when they think of me

In my dreams intermixed 

between images of fear and despair 

there are brief moments of bliss

Sometimes there are sexual encounters 

Often it is just the experience 

of being held, of physical contact 

of pure love manifest 

The person changes 

my mind conjuring the people I am closest to 

and I sob into their chest 

mumbling through everything that hurts

Somehow I know it isn't real

but my longing makes it feel real enough 

and then I'm in bed again 

with this empty ache inside my chest

I have this need I can't articulate 

this need that makes no sense

this need that is breaking me down 

more than anything these fucking times

have spit in my spiritual eye

I don't know how to live this way 

missing a thing I didn't know I wanted 

Conflict

I've been running as long as I can remember

the landscape hitting my face 

tearing my clothes 

a thousand cuts bleeding 

The sounds of bullets nearly connecting 

faceless ghouls with guns

The smell is absolutely everywhere 

a sickening combination 

blood, gunpowder, burning flesh 

I can almost feel it in my mouth 

No matter how fast I run

how far 

there is no escape 

Vision fading into black

senses blurring into a terrible nothing 

Clandestine

The flight home was exhausting

multiple stops through unfamiliar places 

There was only one thing on my mind 

two if you counted the sense of relief 

of leaving what had become a personal hell 

if only for a few precious days 

I was greeted by my parents 

proud of my accomplishments 

oblivious to my agony although 

I wouldn't have told them had they asked

I settled in to my old room

preserved like a shrine 

It made my mother feel better and

I think she knew I needed the comfort of familiarity 

Late into the night while the normal slept 

I silently walked outside and carefully 

rolled my car out of the driveway 

I'm not sure if the parents didn't notice 

or didn't care

I was an adult after all on holiday 

from some sort of forced life

Traveling through my hometown 

memories consumed as I felt myself cry

This whole scenario felt insane 

did she even want to see me

Our last conversation didn't go well 

I didn't know where we stood 

But I hadn't seen her in months and something in my primal mind needed her

I parked a couple of blocks away 

Suspicious yes but not to her

or her parents who would be irate 

if they knew I was creeping around 

She was outside smoking a cigarette 

beautiful as ever 

noticing me approach but betraying no emotion 

until her lips met mine 

Hands all over each other we climbed into her window 

Silently giving in to every physical sensation 

She drug me to her bed 

in the darkness I felt my clothes fall away 

losing myself in pure untamed sexual release 

It felt like nanoseconds and hours simultaneously 

we became one soul through pleasure 

When it was over she said

"you should go before my parents wake up" 

The only thing she said the entire time 

I wordlessly got dressed 

the darkness and chill of the night

wrapping me in a dull sadness 

I don't remember driving home

just ending up in my old room 

surrounded by familiarity 

wondering what it was I was really chasing 

The Under

It alternates between the absence of everything

and the blinding bleed of nothingness 

Images of war and hell on earth 

concrete cages and barking orders 

Images that follow waking moments 

a shadow of hyper vigilance 

Every word in my direction a needle 

working into my thoughts 

My breath is quicker

pulse jumping into my throat 

It is all so irrational 

hidden behind closed eyes

I can't explain to everyone 

so I hide it behind training 

behind this armor of practical confidence

Irony is my dreams come from real life 

but they're out of touch 

manifestations of reactions 

ways my mind protects itself 

Imagination leaking into everything 

like psychological glitter 

there's no way of getting rid of it all 

Cold

Inexplicable cold taking hold

my inner core frozen beyond measure 

I've been numbing more than usual 

reality slapping my face a bit harder than I'm used to 

Grip on the situation slipping away

grain by agonizing grain through my mind 

I'm afraid of losing what little understanding I've got

while at the same time, wishing I could escape for just a little bit 

Haunted by a dark, dreamless sleep 

waking up to exhausted panic 

I'll pour myself into something and I'll put on a front 

shoving all anxiety into a gorgeous box

Am I paranoid or just stoned 

I'll take a walk and focus thought 

It's nice to be alone and yet I'm so fucking lonely 

Connection to the consciousness becoming an ancient myth 

Who was I even a year ago 

Cross of changes is a burden shared by everyone but we also walk in single file

None of us can really comprehend 

My shoes they are too tight 

and we all have forgotten how to dance 

Echo

Light shining into my eyes

cruel warmth felt through the body

odor of singe assaulting every pore 

I feel metal on my back 

cold that makes my shoulders ache

contrast ripping at my soul

It feels like my skin is starting to boil 

bubbling and melting to the surface 

I can see my cohesion start to fail

body starting to drip and hit the floor 

I'm aware of dying 

screaming in my head but there's not enough of me left

There isn't any rescue from this 

Knowledge of isn't any help at all

as I feel my eyes vapor away into nothing 

senses fading into blissful black

I become aware that I am somewhere else 

None of this is real 

Attractive

I've been told I am attractive

Not on just a surface level 

although I've been called cute 

I'm not sure what to do with this

I don't see myself as others do

it is a limitation of perception 

I'm not sure why I don't believe 

something pulls me into insincerity 

I don't mean to call anyone a liar 

I'm held hostage by post traumatic stress 

Terrible things uttered in my direction 

I didn't get that shit either 

I exist with such exhausting kindness 

never understanding hostility 

This crippling innocence around 

positive things I'm blind to 

Feeling like a total failure while at the same time 

thinking I'm pretty damned OK

In my head I know these things aren't mutually exclusive 

but I can't reconcile my heart 

Appreciation

It feels like the end of the world out here

things taste strange 

There's a weight on my soul you'd think 

I would be used to this by now

You've seen me at vulnerable 

my pain obvious but only because 

you're good at observation 

It's a quality I admire and admit

to being a bit envious 

I'm pushing through like I always do 

sometimes I step backwards 

There's not always forward progress 

I put up this steady upward climb 

Pressured to keep moving 

by every person I've ever talked to 

at least by people I've let in

There isn't that expectation any more 

You validate where I'm at right now

even if it isn't perfect 

when things are getting extra complicated 

times when I really can't keep climbing 

I just have to sit the fuck down 

For a small stretch of time I can just be

it is a beautiful thing

for this I am so grateful 

any thanks feels inadequate 

so I humbly state my appreciation

Wandering Eternity

I'm having a crisis of identity

Nothing so concrete as wondering 

the who I am of me is quite intact 

The problem lies in interaction 

navigating the floodwaters of maintaining 

an outward appearance 

Transparency through creativity 

I'm an open book through self expression 

though it only is surface level 

The loudest thoughts dominate the translation 

escape only possible through release 

Isolation beginning to pace

back and forth back and forth 

wearing a trench in my mind 

I find myself gravitating towards attention 

adoration and praise so beautiful 

yet so painfully sad

I really don't want accolades 

I appreciate the adoration 

reaching people is a powerful feeling 

The output is out of my hands

I pull from the pool random discordant bits

and there's no guarantee that it will make sense 

wrapping myself in some sort of bandage 

that might only be for show 

I exist in a bright bubble of loneliness 

knowing many but in a shallow dish 

just out of arm's reach