Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I Tried...

It never seems to be good enough
It never seems to be right
When I try, I fail
When I give up, there's abundance
Perhaps the lesson here is not to care
Perhaps the lesson here is to let someone else
handle it, maybe
Stick my head in the sand
Bite my ass, haul me out
or just complain about it
Do or do not
trying is the first step toward failure

Saturday, March 7, 2015

6:30 AMusing


Again another day
I feel oddly content yet
not content at all
Too much work for too little dream
Too much dream to make sense

Sunday, February 22, 2015

The Power of Music

It is absolutely no secret that I love music.  Music has comforted me during bad times, made good times even better, connected me with so many people and has been an inspiration in my life since before I was born.  The other day, I was taking a break from dancing at a club and was observing people on the dance floor.  People from all walks of life were suddenly connected by the music.  The happiness in the room was almost a visible presence and I caught myself smiling even though physically I was feeling poorly.  The profound joy in the room was almost too much for me to handle yet I was entirely captivated by it.  Music is one of the few things I know of that can instantly solidify a group of people.  For brief moments the right song can get people, who normally wouldn't give each other the time of day, to come together and share a moment of positive emotion. 

There is some music that I don't enjoy listening to on a regular basis and that's OK. I believe that music has the power to be diverse enough to make everyone happy.(except for people who literally don't have the capacity to perceive it. See to learn more about this interesting phenomenon)  A deaf friend told me that even those who cant hear (even from birth) have an understanding of music and can appreciate it.  Learning that blew me away!

Just because I personally don't like a song or a particular style doesn't mean that there isn't a person somewhere that absolutely loves it.  Maybe that song or style got them through a difficult period in their life.  Maybe it helped them to become a better person.  Maybe it even saved their life.  Music is far too diverse to force judgements on people for what they listen to.  Even songs that I have filed into the "terrible" file I still catch myself tapping my toes or nodding my head to under the right circumstances.

Music is one of the most beautiful things humans have created. It crosses all manners of societal barriers while at the same time constantly evolving. Sure, some of it ends up cliche and derivative but who are we to judge a thing that has such a capacity for bringing joy?  Next time you catch yourself saying "this sounds like crap" try finding things to like about it.  You might discover a new love or at least a better understanding of how some people tick. Don't judge a person by the music they like instead be happy that they can enjoy music and be thankful that you can enjoy music too.  

Friday, February 13, 2015


There is an itch in my subconscious
It's distracting I'll be honest
Time to hire an accomplice
I'm not the only one to feel this
Millions of brain cells they wont miss
Take the pills dope right to my brain
I wont notice slowly being insane
Put up the mask and believe the lie
Chemicals don't care if you live or die
Deflate every sense of self
Put the feelings neatly on the shelf
Daytime nightmares and faded dreams
when society is exactly as it seems

Thursday, February 12, 2015


I am admittedly a somewhat isolated person.  I feel awkward around large groups and I never know quite what to say. When I was younger, I satisfied my social itch by spending a lot of time online playing games and hanging out in chat rooms. Realistically speaking, I never really felt social in these situations even though I did end up developing friendships with people I met online. When technology is stuck between people, their relationship tends to be somewhat cold and detached.  There is something fulfilling about spending time with people and physically interacting. 

For the longest time, I believed that I would never enjoy a party much less be the life of one. Then music led me on a path of social interaction.  There is something magical about a group of people coming together to enjoy the same music. There is something even more magical being the person on stage leading people on a journey.

If you asked child me if she would grow up to entertain people she would look at you funny.  Before every gig, I am nervous as hell. After every gig I cant believe people actually like what I play.  When I'm on stage, reality is suspended and nothing matters but the music.  

My relationship with entertaining is paradoxical.  I never really want to be the leader of a crowd but I derive a lot of joy from it.  Ive met incredibly cool people and have traveled more than I could have ever dreamed.  

The best of times, the worst of times.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Stale Movement

Going nowhere fast...or going a lot of places really slowly? Both states of consciousness are eerily similar.  Surrounded by a feeling of floundering while at the same time feeling as if something, anything is being accomplished.  These conflicting emotional states crest in opposition, trapping one in a locked box of ambivalence.  Do I go over here or over there? Do I want to be going anywhere?

There are days where I'd simply like to exist.  There are a heap of expectations flying in from thousands of directions and while some of them may be well meaning, they're annoying at best and impossible at worst. Ive heard that its empowering to set your own expectations but the responsibility is daunting.

Being a self-aware being is difficult. It seems sometimes that the less aware you are, the happier you'll be.  Ignorance is bliss but when do you cross the line between being happily unaware and being unhappy that you are unaware? Is it a conscious thing or is it something buried deep underneath vapid Facebook posts at the bottom of some bottle?

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Circle of Life

It has been a long while since I have had the motivation or inclination to write anything blog-wise.  I'm not sure if this is because I don't have much to say or if it is something more complicated than that. I really should write more. It keeps things sorted out in my head as well as potentially helping someone in a similar situation. it goes.

The other day, I was hit by a car. I wasn't badly hurt but from a psychological perspective, I'm still shaken up.  It isn't quite the most life-threatening situation I've ever been. My instincts and training have served me well.  In an instant, however, all of the instinct, training and otherwise could be wiped out.  A depressing thought for sure but it also got me thinking.

Life is an absolute statistical miracle.  I am an absolute statistical miracle.  Pregnancy is a violent and beautiful thing. The amount of things that have to go absolutely right for a baby to come to term is mind-boggling. The energy put forth by the mother and the strength she has to not only birth the child but also stay alive to take care of it seems like an impossibility yet it happens so often that people expect it to go right 100% of the time.

So the fates collided and I came to be.  I survived birth even though I was born prematurely.  For close to 33 years I've survived.  I couldn't even begin to speculate as to the reason why and I'm sometimes convinced that humans aren't meant to know. Maybe the question is simply part of the answer.