So...it isn't exactly a secret that my partner suffered some extreme trauma growing up. The level of fucked up from his parents and peers is really extreme. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, institutional abuse...it's all there. Over the years, I've learned how to not take trauma responses personally and have *tried* to be helpful in any way I can, simply because I know that none of this is my fault. I, however, am not a professional. I am somewhat trained as I have read a bajillion books and articles and have taken several classes. I do want to go into some sort of counseling work someday too. But...there is something extremely difficult about being close to someone and living through trauma with someone that makes a therapeutic relationship difficult. Also...it's been long enough that I am just repeating myself. On top of that, I found out that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him. At. All. This hurts. I'm supportive because of love (and a little bit of loyalty, I am stubborn as hell). He's here because he has no where else to go. I'm the only person that puts up with him, especially long term. If he had his way, he'd be gone. I *think* some of it is a sense of feeling badly about burdening me with his problems and thinking that he's ruining my life. He's not. Taking care of him doesn't bother me at all. Sure, getting venom spit in my direction sucks a lot and sometimes it feels like he is blaming me but again I know it's a trauma response. He's at a giving up phase again which is sad. There's doubly nothing I can do. Usually when this happens, it's because things are stable. He's afraid of things going right. He's also afraid of being happy and deriving joy out of ANYTHING. I'm a joyful person by default. I have to be. It's a response to my own trauma. If I can't be joyful about things and find the silver lining in crappy situations, it makes me incredibly sad. I fight my depression and anxiety with joy. He fights his by making everyone around him suffer. I KNOW this but I've stuck with it because I keep hoping maybe my fun will rub off. Now I find out that it has been making him feel worse and that he resents me for being happy at all ever. I guess at this point I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't like giving up on people but at the same time, I'm just fucking done. There is literally nothing I can do to help. All of my coping techniques are failing. On the one hand, him admitting he is a narcissist is a good step. On the other hand, I've been living with this for...18 years? At what point does loyalty end? The get help or I'm gone ultimatum (or any ultimatum) isn't going to do jack shit. He responds worse to ultimatums than anything else. So...yeah. Tough love isn't in any way useful. It will make him slip further into his own shit hole. It also wouldn't be fair at all to punt him to the streets especially now. What I really want to do is hang his mother up by her ankles and tell her to fucking fix the royal fuck up but that isn't gonna happen. In patient therapy isn't going to happen even though I truly believe that at this point he will find some way to kill himself. I don't want that to happen but...there is literally no help especially now. Yes, I am 100% going to discuss this with my therapist. No, I'm really not looking for advice. I'm putting this out there to A remember to discuss it further with a professional and B to get it off my chest. Yeah...so that's where I'm at right now. Not being able to really go anywhere either because of the current situation super helps.
Fickity fickity fuck.
