I remember holding her hand
Keeping it a secret
Feeling like no one would understand
Exploring teenage sexuality
This tidal wave of maybe, finally
Figuring out part of my identity
I didn't understand love
I really didn't understand affection
Here she was, beautiful
Forbidden
Toxic
Mine
Even though she never was
We met at night through snuck out windows
Moonlit encounters only we knew about
Hormonal pleasure and carnal urges
Satisfaction in all the wrong ways
She pulled every single string
My emotions her puppet, dancing
I'm not entirely sure she was conscious of it
I was, however, an experiment
Rebellion against a doctrine
And when it no longer served
I no longer served
I wasn't innocent
I did hurtful things
Driven by things inside myself that were unfamiliar
We both got what we deserved
I did love her
And in some twisted way
I still do
