I was incredibly young
when I figured out that alcohol made everything stop hurting
It didn't take much
I didn't really need to be drunk
Minor intoxication was more than sufficient
I had a tendency to drink every day
No one noticed because it never was a big deal
I wasn't doing things chronic drinkers do
Excess always made me sick
At times I didn't care
The numbness of euphoria more than worth it
It's an abusive relationship
The scars get deeper every time
I notice that the compulsion comes
at times of great distress
Times where reality hits way too close off my bow
when I want to forget I exist
I don't want to die but I want to just a little bit
It's an emotional high nothing else does
Ungrounded
None of my senses make any sense
There are plenty of drugs
that make me feel blissfully altered
and even when I was chemically lobotomized
I had some tendril of spirit hooked into myself
The creature blows all that away and the allure of this becomes too much
almost
I'll be at the shop with money in my pocket and just stare
A fight so internal no one seems to notice
The compulsion of purposefully poisoning
murder drink by agonizing drink
Some voice in my gut tells me though
I can't let myself die this way
I'll walk away and wonder what if
The white hot pain of empathy ringing in my ears
Then I'll celebrate silently
I've lived another day
