I was 12
When I first realized
I was attracted to women
Of course I didn't understand nuance
Or subtlety
All I knew was that the idea of woman
In all respects
Was beautiful and something to be cherished
I didn't express this openly
I looked at pictures of the female form
Hidden in my room behind the glass of the internet
In the dark where no one would know or see
I dated guys
As expected of me
Even though I was treated like one of the bros
Approximately half of the time
My first kiss was with a boy
Who transitioned into a woman
Looking at the situation now
It makes total sense
I never felt comfortable being sexual with men
I tried to tell myself it was a phase
I hadn't met the right man
Except I did
Twice
And while I love the men in my life
And would lay down my existence
If it meant saving them
I don't feel that thing
That indescribable tingle deep inside
Beyond conscious thought
The problem is, I lose myself
I do stupid things because my mind
Gets twisted and mixed up
And that's why it never works
It's probably internalized misogynistic thoughts
Picked up from being raised half a boy
And a smattering of bullshit
I have no control over
So I try to exist and respect
Every individual because it's the right thing to do
But I'm still hung up on that first fleeting thought
A brief revelation
At 12 years old
