Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Most Loving A-hole

Some days (more often than I'd like to admit) I think I am a total asshole. I am not an asshole by intent, in fact I work incredibly hard at not being an asshole. I try to act and speak only out of love but sometimes I fail. My goal is to be the most loving person I possibly can be but at the end of the day, I find myself being a jerk sometimes. Society and my interactions with it in the past have programmed in deep responses to certain stimuli and as a result, I can say and do things that I later regret. I don't believe that people say things they don't mean. When things are said, especially in the heat of the moment, I certainly do mean what I say. Upon the opportunity for deeper reflection, I usually find that what I said wasn't entirely justifiable. Something triggered a response and without thinking, I acted on it. Of course this means I am constantly apologizing for myself. Is a knee-jerk emotional response something I have control over? Sometimes I think yes, absolutely. Other times, I'm not so sure. The dichotomy of jerk VS victim is a hard pill to understand, much less swallow. I have a deep desire to own everything that is involved with my consciousness but at the end of the day, there are some things I just don't have mastery over.

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