Lately I have been having dreams involving my ex girlfriend. I've been dreaming of this woman since we broke up. I haven't spoken to her since then. We had some contact via social media about a decade ago but she has since deleted her presence there. I totally understand why, social media is a cesspool.
A few months shy of 20 years ago, I was eating alone in the campus dining hall, 3000 miles away from everything I knew. I was in a lukewarm relationship with a girl I met in high school (unbeknownst to me at the time she was cheating on me with her ex boyfriend) and had only a couple of friends locally. I was painfully alone, almost always drunk and generally miserable. Suddenly, a woman sat at my empty table. She was adorable in a school girl kind of way and had a kindness in her eyes that suddenly drew me in. I fell in love with her in an instant, although I didn't exactly know it at the time. I remember what she said as if it happened yesterday "you look like you need someone to talk to."
We talked about nothing and everything. We kept talking, in person and in the evenings over instant messenger. She was brilliant. She constantly challenged my assumptions and made me feel slow in comparison. She quickly became my best friend. She quickly became the love of my young life. I had never felt such a connection with another person. Sure, I dated in high school but in comparison, those relationships were more of a social obligation. The relationship I was in with the girl back home sucked, because realistically we both were kind of terrible people at the time.
The girl with steel grey eyes didn't know that. I did everything I could to prove I wasn't a hot mess. I spent all my money on her. I know that candlelight dinners and Shakespeare do not a relationship make but holy fuck, I tried. I don't think it was my spending habits that kept her attention, though. I had developed a hardness at that point in my life. I had a heart full of anger inside of my chest and was about as approachable as a cactus. She was the start of a revolution in my thinking. The start of becoming the genuinely kind person I really could be. She saw that in me and nurtured it, even though she was learning about life herself.
I was her first date, her first kiss, her first sexual encounter. I don't know how I feel about that, even now. Part of me feels privileged and honored with how much she trusted me. Part of me feels like a total asshole because she gave up that part of herself to me of all people. I wonder if she remembers me with fondness or if I was that mistake in college that she doesn't talk about any more. Maybe I'm both.
I dropped out of the school and we kept in touch. She came to visit my home and I showed her my familiar universe. I proposed to her shortly after I turned 19. I felt like I could make forever work with her, even though I was a complete scum and kept seeing my other ex (and a random revenge lay too. I was a douche). She trusted me, I'm sure partly because she had no experience with anyone else. At the end, I was the one who broke up with her. I had met the man I would end up marrying and at that point I couldn't keep up with the long distance relationship. It wasn't fair to her and our lives were rapidly growing apart. I could have been a lot nicer about it. That conversation could have ended up on an episode of Jerry Springer. To this day I feel terrible and I don't think any apology would be enough. I broke her young heart and I do not blame her if she still hates me for it, although knowing her kind heart, she probably doesn't. I sure as fuck would never want to talk to me again, though.
So, through all this, why do I dream about her? I don't dream about any other ex partner. Past is past, here is now. But in my deepest subconscious, her touch haunts me. Her voice calls me from the darkness. I'm shaken to the core and overwhelmed by the pleasure of the encounter and the pain of knowing it's just a fantasy. The first time we made love was a surreal experience that I've never been able to repeat even with drugs. In all honesty, I don't want to repeat it. Chasing feelings isn't something I really like doing. For some reason, though, my mind keeps summoning her as I knew her back then. I've changed, good and bad but she is the perfect image that is present only in my fractured memory.
She is innocent and beautiful. She touches my face gently. She's the only person that has touched my face without making me recoil. The scene is so real that I feel it even after I stumble into a waking state. The dream usually ends with us staring at each other's eyes and the faint whisper of my name.
I'll never feel this way about another person. I can't. I am an entirely different being. Maybe I'm more mature. Maybe I'm a lot less controlled by emotions. Maybe I'm simply weathered by experience. Memory fades but not this. As cleche as it sounds, a part of my soul is tied up in a person that I hurt profoundly. There's no amount of forgiveness she can provide because I absolutely won't forgive myself.
My love for her and my loathing for myself is eternal. At least I learned something.
