Last Night

Last night I slept through a thunderstorm. It helped that I took something I know will knock me out. I hate doing this. The whole notion of not being able to control when I fall asleep (I can't say lose consciousness, as I believe we retain some level even if we are not awake) is terrifying. I imagine it is a combination of some sort of early childhood fears and a trauma response from a suicide attempt that thankfully failed that makes me feel that way. Nonetheless, I'll resort to artificial means of getting to sleep just to make the usual tornado of thoughts to quiet down, if only for a little while. So, because of this, I slept through a thunderstorm. Usually, if I sleep this deeply, the storm inside my head kind of goes away. This time, it didn't. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel the trauma resonating. I feel the panic of people experiencing profound trauma for the first time. I feel the resignation and sadness of people experiencing profound trauma for the umpteenth time. I feel all the emotions within and of myself. My mind is making up scenarios and playing them in my sleep. It's my deepest fears and past pain wrapped up in the emotions I perceive from others. I am only an interpreter. I can't know if my perception is entirely accurate. I do know that what I feel is absolutely real, to me anyway. 

I feel like I'm losing my grip on sanity. All I can do is keep myself grounded in joyful things and maybe through my joy, others will be comforted.