Usually, my nightmares and weird shit that I see in my sleep burns off like fog on a sunny day once I'm awake. Lately, there's been shit that has been sticking around all day. It replays in my mind over and over and breaks through most efforts to ignore it. Lately things are getting a bit bizarre while at the same time being very plausible. This is annoying to say the least. Not sure if manifesting bullshit out in the world or if it's just my brain chemicals acting foolish. Likely a combination of both.
For context, here's an example:
I feel myself slowly rising to consciousness. I'm vaguely aware that the bed I'm on is super uncomfortable and something smells and feels like metal. Something is vibrating on the table beside me. I realize it's my phone. I never have my phone on vibrate. I pick it up and stare at it for what seems to be forever and see that the call is coming from a restricted number. I suddenly become aware of the time and day. It's my therapist calling and she calls at a specific day and time from a restricted number. This makes sense to me. It's the only thing that makes sense as everything else is a swirling mass of blackness. I answer the call.
"How are you?" she asks, normal as ever. I answer that I honestly don't know. She asks if I know where I am. What an odd question but one I can't answer which is even stranger. The rest of the conversation is a blur and then the scene changes.
I'm in something that looks like a conference room. The chairs look nice but are really uncomfortable. There's a really shitty photograph of some sort of flower on the wall. There's some sort of paperwork on the wooden table. The table seems new-ish but at the same time looks abused. There's a stern looking balding man in a suit that seems a bit tight. His face is slightly pink. I think maybe he aught to loosen his tie.
He starts talking at me and it sounds like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoon. I stare at him, puzzled. What the fuck do you want me to do, guy?
"I want to see (therapist's name)" I'm not sure if I said it out loud or just thought about it strongly. He gets up, frustrated and walks out of the room, slamming the door. I am alone for what seems like hours but my perception of time can't be trusted at this point. Finally, therapist shows up. She stares at me for a while and I can feel the concern. She starts to say something and then suddenly I'm awake in my own bed, my guys snoring on either side of me. My heart is pounding but calms after a couple of minutes. I feel like I have run a marathon though.
I can't get how real this all felt out of my head while at the same time am sure that none of this happened nor will it happen. I'm sure in a few days this will fade and I'll forget about it like I always do but at least by writing it out, I'll remember the details and hopefully it will help me process things.
If you made it this far, thanks. If you're struggling right now, know that you are not alone and you are loved.
TLDR signing off.
