I've heard life described as a war we are constantly fighting. Lately, this seems especially true. It seems like humanity has been hanging out on the precipice of crisis for a long while. It started out with the threat of World War Three. Then several fire seasons (one of which I'm currently stuck in the middle of). On top of everything, there's a virus out there that people know very little about. It's causing economic strife and the uncertainty alone is enough to drive even the most stable people mad. And then, AND THEN there's the civil unrest caused by the utter bullshit way people are being treated all over the world.The current state of things alone is enough to give people PTSD.
Then there's people who already have PTSD. I've mentioned before that PTSD isn't just a thing combat veterans get, although those who do suffer from it have all been through some sort of combat, just not through war as most people know it. Loss, chronic abuse, situational hardship, near death experiences and a whole dumpster fire load of other things can contribute to causing PTSD. To say that everything going on right now is exacerbating my condition is a very large and profound understatement.
The nightmares are almost non-stop. I am so tired but at the same time I really don't want to sleep because the darkness follows me no matter what I do. Cannabis helps quite a bit, probably more than I realize. Still there isn't really a cure for it. For a while, I was learning how to manage it and making progress at identifying what triggers a reaction and how to avoid situations that might make things more difficult. Now, there isn't really a way to avoid much of anything as the entire fucking planet is one huge trigger. I am constantly finding myself in a state of panic and fear. Anger is up there too.
Recently, I've noticed that I slip into a sense of numbness to everything. Shit happening doesn't really trigger anything than a notion of "yes, and?" Then something so profoundly infuriating and wrong happens and the anger and sadness come flooding back. It is as if the universe is saying "Oh you think you're used to hot water? Let's add some boiling oil!" I don't like being angry. Sadness I am used to. I've been sad about something on some level most of my life. It's a feeling I can ignore (although that in and of itself is sad.) The anger thing is new. I don't like being angry. It is such a foreign feeling. Something alien to my already alien mind.
Usually, treating PTSD involves finding out the causes of various emotions even though emotions tend to just be. There is usually something that kick starts an emotion into gear, though. What is making me angry is painfully obvious. Injustice, and complete and total lack of compassion are what come to mind primarily. As much as I wish it to be, there is no way I am going to eliminate anger from my consciousness. I wonder how I managed to live this long and not really feel profound and deep anger. Maybe I'm more patient and calm than I give myself credit for. If I'm feeling such a sense of disturbing anger at things, I can't imagine how other people are feeling. Yet another thought that makes me incredibly sad.
The problem with all this is that the war isn't ending any time soon. This is the very start of something that could last generations. This is something my son and his children and grandchildren are going to be cleaning up. I'm not outliving this. I suppose there is merit in trying to keep going as long as possible but at the same time I'm really starting to get worn down. My life has value, so I've been told. People tell me that I contribute positively to their lives and to the world in general. I feel like I'm aiming a water pistol at a volcano, though.
It feels good working on healing from past trauma but at the same time it feels useless as the world keeps piling more trauma on to the dumpster fire. I guess I can learn how to handle it better and possibly help others handle it better. Maybe just talking about my experiences is enough to be helpful.
