We still be out here buying weed by the gram but it's cheaper
We hate the moment but we're lucky to be here
Beyond pain there is joy beyond hate there is love
Even if you don't believe in heaven above
So below we exist we persist we insist
We beg to be heard our voice is loud
Alone we're nothing but gather a crowd
Build our own cloud our hopes and our dreams
Shun the belief that all is as it seems
Live in and around this moment a miracle in time
Leave all of the doubts behind
Magic in life wonder in all things
Now I know why the caged bird sings
Today I ended up talking about that time I saw God. Of course, you tell that to people in the course of a normal conversation and you'll end up with a few funny looks. It isn't something I usually discuss with people because I don't think anyone will believe me and I don't want to deal with being further labeled as crazy. Crazy is an ugly word and I wish people would stop using it but that's a different rant for a different day. I also dislike being labeled by others. I end up using labels on myself as an identifier but I realize a lot of that comes from just trying to integrate myself into "normal" society.
Lately, it seems a lot harder figuring out what "normal" is. It's also impossible to please everyone no matter how well intentioned you are. I think that was always an impossibility but it seems like the older I get, the less I care about good works for the sake of looking good. I do things because in my heart they are the right thing to do. I am fallible and I do screw it up. No mortal's morality is 100% correct. There are things that humans can come to a consensus on, but no one man is an authority on all things.
The only thing I know for sure are the things I have seen and heard from my connection to the creative energy of the universe. This isn't a super power or something reserved for the chosen (based on whatever definition humans want to come up with) but something that every human with conscious thought can tap into. There are a million different ways to do this. What works for some may not work for others. The first time I fell face first into awareness I wasn't looking for it. I was indulging in my very human desire to block out the pain of existing. I was also looking for a good time, doing something new while kicking around on the same ground. I wasn't expecting to be hit over the head with knowledge but that's what happened.
I felt the warmth of the whole of creation wash over me. I felt perfect and absolute love. I felt the cradle of perfection and the absolute agony of entropy all at once. I was everywhere and nowhere. I was in the womb of the universe. It was frightening in it's complete surprise but at the same time it was comfortably familiar, as if I had experienced it before but in a different reality.
I feel like there were things I saw in that space that I wasn't able to take back with me. What I could remember, though, is that love is the universal truth but without suffering, love has absolutely no meaning. This hurts me to my core. The fact that random bad shit just happens because it absolutely has to maintain balance is something I wish I could change. The joy of the situation is that I can be one of the reasons that the crappy things seem worth it. I can balance the pendulum towards the positive. This doesn't mean living for the approval or adulation of other people, though. I have to be a force of good in the world because it is simply the way of things. Of course the only guidance I have is my limited perception and the checking I do with other humans I trust. It isn't a perfect system but it works.
It has been said that existence is pain. Existence for the sake of just existing is incredibly taxing. Living for a singular purpose though really is a drag. Consciousness itself is far too complicated to be parsed into some sort of sub-paragraph. But with understanding comes an incredible weight on my spirit that sometimes I just want to be rid of. There are days where I ache for the eternal sleep of ignorance. Not that I really wish to end my existence, I just wish it wasn't so...tangled.
