I read something the other day that said that suicide is killing more young people than the virus. Suicide has always been a problem, especially amongst people who suffer from PTSD. In recent times, people are starting to at least acknowledge that it's something that anyone can suffer from, not just those exposed to combat. I suppose that trauma is a type of combat, just as much as combat is a type of trauma.
I've always had vague thoughts about killing myself. These thoughts are especially strong when I'm feeling like nothing is worth it and that no one cares about me. I know intellectually these things are not true but with everyone so caught up in the right now, it is incredibly hard to feel acknowledged. It's also difficult to see purpose in my life. Everything is chaotic and everyone is scrambling to find a place. It is both comforting and painful knowing that I'm not alone.
The paradox of the situation is that as long as I'm thinking about killing myself, I won't do it. The second it becomes impulse is when I should worry. It's pushing the limit, I'll admit. I'd ask myself why now but the answer is pretty fucking obvious. I feel like I was close to healing. That I was finally closing up some old wounds. In some ways, this is still true. On the other hand, the deepest cuts are the ones making me bleed out.
I don't know if anyone can save me. There are people that will certainly try. I'm going to ask for some reassurance and try not to feel guilty about it. Hopefully it will help.
